Hole-y Moly

Feeling somewhat randy this morning, I decided to put on my super tight pants to wear to school for the first time since that occasion in October when they split. Naturally, I forgot that they had ever split in the first place, until arriving at school. The hole was big enough that not only would it reveal my boxers, it had potential for a testicle spill. Normally, when I teach, I sit on a table at the front, unintentionally yet harmlessly giving a view of my crotchal region. I had to make sure not to do that today, however, because I'd end up teaching my students more than I am credentialed to do. Still, out of habit, I found myself throughout the day, jumping up to sit on the table, only to remember why I wasn't allowed to do that, and immediately got off, hoping that I hadn't exposed the crater.

Having an especially difficult time keeping the focus of my last period of the day, I briefly contemplated showing them the hole just so they would stop talking and pay attention to me for a while. Yes, it had gotten so drastic that I would have settled for them staring at a hole in my pants. Since I'm not tenured, I decided to skip the peep show and resort to a much more effective method - begging. That's right, I begged that they shut up for forty seconds so I could explain the directions of the next activity. I even promised that if they could go a full forty seconds without interrupting me, I would leave them alone for the rest of the period.

I managed to get through maybe ten seconds, fifteen seconds tops, before the students resumed their conversations. As a result, I fainted. Not legitimately, but I pretended to faint, falling hard to the ground to see if this maneuver would finally afford me the attention I had been asking for for the past several minutes.

It kind of worked. After I scared a good portion of the students, they finally seemed ready to hear what I had to say when I got back up. As exhausting as theatrics can be, they do seem to be effective. I proceeded to yell about how ridiculous it was that I had to resort to fainting just to get their attention.

"You fainted?" came a loud voice from the back. As it turned out, a solid five students were so wrapped up in whatever else they were choosing to do, they missed my faked fainting spell entirely. I couldn't believe it: I was so upset, I wanted to faint for real.

Sigh. I don't see why I was so concerned about having a hole in my pants. I could probably be wearing no pants at all and still have no one notice.