Dental Damn

Occasionally, I've been watching Game Show Marathon on the tele. I'd compare my attraction to game shows to my love of necrophilia: in spite of my disgust, I keep coming back for more. Game Show Marathon features some of my favorite old game shows (including The Price Is Right, though I no longer consider that a favorite by any means) played by "celebrity" contestants and hosted bastardized by Ricki Lake. Truthfully, my love for Ricki Lake is also like necrophilia; each day as a preteen I'd come home from school to watch the insufferably trashy Ricki Lake Show. It's a wonder how after all that mind-numbing I'm still somewhat functional today.

The most recent Game Show Marathon episode featured the love of my life, Match Game. (If you love it so much, why don't you marry it? Okay, maybe I will.) My favorite question is directed at former 'N Sync-er Lance Bass: Lorraine says it's strange being married to a dentist. Before they make love, he says BLANK.

Now the most obvious answer would clearly be "open wide." It's funny, risque, and a good match. Any idiot could come up with it. Evidently, Lance Bass is no idiot, however, because he says, "Brush your teeth." Appropriately, the audience boos him, which I'm sure at this stage in his career, does not phase him. Surprisingly, the first match panelist, George Foreman, also says "Brush your teeth," so Lance gets a point. I feel compelled to note, though, that this match is the result of George Foreman having been beaten in the head throughout his life, and not good Match Game skills. It's no mystery why Lance never made it to outer space.

Though I would have given "open wide" as my official answer, I'd like to share my funnier, alternate answer to the same question I came up with on the fly. "I'm going to fill your cavity." Bruce Vilanch actually said something similar, "Show me your cavity," but I took it a step further. I'm funnier than Bruce Vilanch! But what else is new?