Along Came a Spider

After avoiding the black widow issue for a week, I needed to retrieve something from the shed. Opening the door just a crack, I saw the web had been reconstructed, and the biggest parentfucking* black widow spider scurrying around on it. Nearly soiling myself, I went to find a hidden stash of insect poison (certain housemates of mine are vehemently opposed to this material even existing) and sprayed it at the spider, only to watch it quickly flee to a corner. Jessica came out to help, but the two of us were far too jumpy, and we spent 20 minutes swatting at nothing, hoping to kill something. Eventually Shea came out to assist, but he refused to use poison. He saw one run by his foot, so he stomped it dead. Alas, that black widow was about half the size of the one we were terrified of, meaning there were more to come. Suddenly, our terrorizer made itself visible. This one was the one, I could tell by its oversized ghetto booty. Following some pussyfooting on our part, Shea got it to drop in a bucket, whereupon we rushed it to the street pavement to put it out of our its misery.

Each of us took up arms. Shea had a cinder block, Jessica had a large piece of wood, and I had a rake (?! Clearly, in this superhero trio, I am the dumb one.) Removing the bucket from the spider, it began to run, so Jessica gave it a solid whack with the piece of wood. Though it was a wonderful slam, it did not die, instead jumping and surging away from us. Shea stepped in and dropped the cinder block on the thing. Well, that did it. Notably, however, as splattered as that thing became, its ample rump still protruded from the spider stain. Way to represent.

Still, we haven't had the last laugh. Soon after, Jessica woke up with bumps on her face and arms which were diagnosed at the urgent care unit as poisonous spider bites. Fuck spiders. Fuck hippies.

*Yes, I've even gender neutralized that word now.