My Suggestions for Visiting LA

Thanks for the kind words, I genuinely appreciate hearing from readers.

At the same time, I also question whether you’re thinking of the right person! I live in LA, but I don’t think I’m too complimentary of it on my blog. Don’t get me wrong, I like it here, and I’m positive you’ll thoroughly enjoy your overdue vacation because there’s so much for tourists. That said, I’m broke and prefer dive bars and vaguely dangerous hangouts; Molls would be a better person to ask about the trendier aspects of the city.

I know I recently said that the LA tourism board should hire me after referring a visitor to our interactive homicide map, but that was a joke. When I browse back through my blog, I mostly see things that would scare away tourists. In fact, my blog kind of reads like recommendations from SNL’s Stefan.

Come to LA and see…

• a large transvestite clown art installation on a drug store
• a gallery featuring a woman crawling around with a butt plug and a giant man portraying Jesus in a diaper who gets crucified on a nine-foot tall vagina
• the Nazis who run the Museum of Tolerance
• a public liberry that doubles as a insane asylum
• a secluded warehouse party full of underage drinkers that dozens of cops come to shut down
• a scary American Legion Hall with a lone cot for veterans (those who can still get it up) to fuck on
• a rollerskating rink under totalitarian rule
• porn star karaoke, where real adult entertainers sing to you and grab your penis
• turtle races that serves as a front for objectifying women
• a gross bar full of aged meth addicts who forbid dancing and consider disabled men to be women
• scientologists in disguise
• a hair salon with some secrets

In case you need clarification, please don’t try to see any of those things. They will ruin your vacation. Now if you’re a local looking for a little adventure, I’d be happy to hook you up with the addresses of some of these places.

Since you asked so nicely, allow me to step out of Stefan/my normal blogging mode to give you a few genuine suggestions for those visiting LA:

1. The Griffith Observatory is my favorite place in LA. You can drive to the top, but I’d actually suggest hiking to the top on one of the trails in the late afternoon. Bring a picnic dinner/take-out with you and stay until nightfall, so you get to see the stupendous view of LA from both vantage points. You can also see the Hollywood sign well from there, so you can check that off, too.
2. LA actually has some great museums. The Getty is an experience (and on the coast if you want to double up on a beach trip) and is free other than parking. I like the Natural History Museum, too. And if you’re in the mood for something odd, give the Museum of Jurassic Technology a try. Just promise not to google it for anything other than its address because it’s something best experienced blindly.
3. Since you’re not from LA, you might be a person who actually eats/eats meat (we have a lot of beautiful anorexic vegans here.) One dining experience I’d recommend is Wurstkuche. It may sound dirty, but it’s actually a trendy (so go on a weekday) place with exotic sausages. And if you enjoy eating A LOT of meat, I’d say go to for authentic all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ in Koreatown. And in all honesty, eat at least one meal from a truck. Food trucks are locals’ preferred mode of dining, and you can find trucks with not just Mexican food, but grilled cheese, mac & cheese, sandwiches, lobster, etc.

A lot of the best events will be time specific, so grab a copy of LA Weekly when you’re out here to make sure you’re not missing anything exciting! Have fun!