Turtle Racing

Last week, Alec was in town on a business trip (I'm sure he wouldn't want me discussing the particulars, but it involves spaceships!) so it prompted a couple of meet-ups from the Los Angeles Pitzer crew. The first night was Thai in Pasadena. Though it wasn't "eventful," it was remarkably pleasant. The second night involved a separate but equal group of people meeting at Alex's swanky house cottage (it's cute and beach-accessible like that) in Venice. From there, we hit up a local Irish pub that hosts turtle racing on Thursday nights. I had no idea what turtle racing was like, but I knew I definitely wanted to participate in what sounded like a silly activity.

As it turns out, there is very little turtle racing in turtle racing. Each person who buys a turtle (you can also BYOT if you own a turtle, apparently) picks a hot girl, the shorter the skirt or tighter the jeans the better, who will gently place the turtle at the starting point. Here's the catch: the girls can't bend their knees in the process, meaning the audience gets prolonged views of the women's butts. If a woman bends her knees, the referees will throw a flag on the play and make her do it again, this time moving her to another area so a different portion of the crowd gets the best perspective.

Alas, there was no winning in the turtle placing game. Not even once did a woman do it satisfactorily on her first try. That's not to say some didn't do it perfectly, just that no matter what, the referees would deem it unsuccessful and make her do it one or two more times. Sometimes they'd make up new rules on the spot like "you went too fast" or "you went too slow."

I can't say I'm shocked, because Los Angeles is the capital of objectification, but as a feminist, it made me somewhat uncomfortable. And though my party was five guys and one badass chick, I think we all agreed that we were a little embarrassed at how it was playing out. Still, I think these women knew what they were getting themselves into, so I didn't refuse to look or anything.

There was a guy who stood near us who bought a turtle and the referee recommended he find a woman to set the turtle down on his behalf. Belligerently, he insisted on doing it himself until he realized the game's gimmick shortly after it started. At that point, he offered the closet lady $20 to do it for him, since he didn't want to look gay. For the next half hour, he kept repeating that he isn't gay and telling the lady that this was going to be the easiest $20 she ever made. Sure, in essence, placing a turtle on the ground is easy, but it comes at the cost of objectification. At least she made $20 though, the other women all probably agreed to put their butts on display for free.

The rule that might have offended me more then no bending over was the "Do Not Point at the Turtles" mandate. To their credit, they made this rule abundantly clear, even having us repeat it aloud, but that didn't make it any less of a racket. The excuse was that pointing at the turtles "distracted" them, as if it were the slight motion of fingers that made for less than ideal racing conditions for the turtles instead of the hundreds of drunk people screaming in close proximity. Each time someone was caught pointing, he or she was fined $10. with subsequent infractions growing in price.

You'd be surprised at how many people pointed at the turtles. Turtle racing is actually exciting (once it finally happens after all of the butt flashing) and they can be surprisingly fast. Caught up in the moment, it's actually hard not to point at a speeding turtle! I found myself starting to do it, but set it down before a referee caught me. From then on, my strategy was to put one in my pocket and keep the other wrapped around my beer.

Still, many in attendance were not so smart, and they pointed, and were forced (yes, forced, most people were not happy to comply) to hand over money for their infractions. It was amusing the first two times, but just awkward thereafter. Since the rule was pointless, in my opinion, this amounted to major extortion. Then again, extortion is probably LA's second most prominent claim to fame after objectification, so maybe it's only appropriate.

In it's purest form, however, turtle racing looks like it would be a lot of fun. Let me know if you know of any venues that host the sport for the love of the game rather than sex and profit.