Seat Filling - Pants-less Edition

When I first moved to southern California as a teenager, I enlisted myself as a seat filler for Hollywood events. I've already blogged about the award show where I confused Frankie Muniz and flattered Jessica Alba, but I haven't talked about the time I literally made an ass of myself.

One show that I attended as a seat filler that wasn't particularly exciting was a Motown Christmas televised special. While we saw some good performers like Brian McKnight, India.Arie, whatever new old men call themselves the Temptations these days, and Stevie Wonder, who had on an outfit so ugly that only a blind man with an evil assistant would wear, there were really no celebrities in the crowd. The biggest star I encountered was Maria from Saved by the Bell: The New Class; I didn't put on a tie and penny loafers for Maria.

Unable to hobnob with celebrities, I brainstormed another way to keep myself interested. Here I was in Kodak Theatre, the place where the Oscars are held annually. I was sitting in a seat that Meryl Streep may have sat in before... or would soon after.

That's when it occurred to me: I could leave my mark. While still seated, I covertly tugged down my pants from behind just enough to expose my bare butt against the chair. Then I rubbed it vigorously. Next time the Oscars were held, someone like Tom Hanks might be sitting on a seat that I rubbed my naked bottom all over. I liked this thought.

Each time I changed seats that night, I pulled the same routine. I don't think I was leaving skid marks or anything, but just to know that I was declassing one of the classiest venues in Hollywood. And ever since, I have the reoccurring joy of wondering whether Dame Judi Dench is sitting on one of the seats that I scooted all over. You may have been Kevin-Assed, Dench!