Fuck Yes. Poop, I Would Eat Hers.

Two days after Thanksgiving, we took the dogs for a walk up a very steep hill (for realz, your treadmill can't even replicate this incline). At the top, we were afforded a fabulous view of the cityscape and freeway only partially clouded by pollution. As an added bonus, there was a woman crouched at the top urinating. I don't think she was anticipating passersby, so she covered up her embarrassment by greeting us with a very enthusiastic "Hi!"

Piss was hardly the worst thing being dropped onto this peak, as there was litter all around. Noticing a scratched upside down CD, I flipped it over with my foot to see if it might be of interest. What I discovered was nothing short of a Thanksgiving miracle: a porn DVD. Free porn!

I know what you're thinking: "But Kevin, have you never been on the internet before? There's free porn everywhere." Yeah, but it's more special when the porn comes to you. It's like destiny! Plus, there's something more authentic about real porn. I say that as if it's live in front of me, while really it's still being mediated on a screen. Nevertheless, the DVD still tops the computer: who doesn't prefer their boffing without the buffering?

Of course, we all watched it. You know what they say: when life hands you fake, nubile breasts... Unfortunately, the DVD, entitled Euro Cherries, was not too entertaining. We had hoped that it would involve bad story lines performed with equally awful fake European accents, but for the most part, there was little to no plot or dialogue. Most of the "stars" looked pretty busted. On too many occasions, the close ups showed some unfortunate acne on their butts, which led us to coin the phrase "assne." Our favorite clip was the exception to the rule, in which two male doctors use their stethoscopes on her nipples and vagina before asking when the last time was that she had sex. She simply answered, "No baby!" Ultimately, the docs deem that her problem is that she is "wet" and then prescribe their ailing female patient with sex. Kind gents that they are, they take the liberty of helping her with that, too. Oh those Europeans. If this is what it means to have socialized medicine, I can finally see why American conservatives are so opposed.

After indulging in porn for a period, we all got into one of those moods... not horny, but childish. We played Preston's favorite game of typing "inappropriate" words into the online dictionary and listening to the pronunciation audio. It wouldn't be fair to dismiss it as altogether immature, because it was also educational. Did you know how to pluralize your favorite sexual body parts?:
Penis? Penes.
Vulva? Vulvae.
Clitoris? Clitorides.

How about the adjective forms of your favorite STIs?
Chlamydial
Gonorrheal
Herpetic

It won't say butthole, but it will say bolt-hole, which we found to be an acceptable alternative. I could listen to the earnest pronunciation of AIDS all day long, and I don't care if that's wrong. Feel differently, and you're just a [CENSORED].

Other things I learned:
a) When pronounced in this way, lubrication is a very sexy word.
b) A Dick Test is "a test to determine susceptibility or immunity to scarlet fever."
c) The word abortion is a synonym for "atrocity." Talk about a charged connotation.

While Preston and I would look up words, giggle, and repeat, Jessica started looking for pictures of poop on the internet (was there an explanation for that other than alcohol, Jess?) which led to the discovery of this fascinating image:

What? Huh? Gross. Awesome!

This image inspired us to type full sentences using the words we had just learned and have the computer's robotic voice read it back to us, the same feature I figured out how to use exactly three years ago today. This new game extended the fun for at least another full hour. I thought it would be a good idea to make a dance remix using our favorite phrases, but I was little too intoxicated and easily distracted.

Since then, however, I've had the opportunity to craft a song throwing together our silliest (read: most offensive) words and sentences. Let me warn you, it is awful in every way imaginable. First of all, I have no experience looping music and mixing audio, so even if I were to have a day job, I certainly wouldn't be quitting it to pursue this line of work. Just remember, it's the thought that counts. That might be the wrong phrase to use considering the "lyrics" are utterly thoughtless and intentionally crude.

Without further ado, with two ways to download and stream it, here is our song, "Fuck Yes. Poop, I Would Eat Hers."



Fuck Yes. Poop, I Would Eat Hers.

Yeah, that "song" is an abomination. An abortion, even. (See? I did learn something.) If you want to include that on your holiday mix CDs, feel free.