I Despise the Duggars

Are you familiar with the Duggars? They’re fuckers. Literally. How else do you give birth to eighteen kids? That’s right, eighteen kids, with the most recent baby being born just a couple of days ago. Her name is Jordyn: a “J” to match the first initial of each of her siblings, and a “y” to remind us that her parents are uneducated.

Sigh. Someone needs to tell them that sex is not a vacation: you don’t need a souvenir to prove you’ve been there each time.

Frankly, this repeated reproduction disgusts me. I genuinely believe that being that procreative is a crime against humanity. As I see it, the Duggar parents are some of the world’s worst offenders, right up there with Hitler. At least Hitler can’t be accused of contributing to the overpopulation crisis.

Don’t let that tasteless joke detract from my point. It might seem counterintuitive, but propagation of our species is not contingent solely on breeding, but responsible and limited breeding. The Duggars are shirking any sense of responsibility and blissfully popping out kids. Overpopulation is a legitimate global threat; when the media annually touts this married couple as “heroes” and “saints,” it glorifies irresponsible behavior and sends the wrong kind of message.

That’s not my only gripe, though. It’s just so vain. How conceited must you be to think your genes are worthy of being replicated nearly twenty times? Brad and Angelina have some terrific genes and a strong desire to parent, but even they have the decency to adopt most of their kids.

While I’ll buy that it’s possible for the parents to “love” all of the children, you can’t convince me that they receive all of the attention or direct nurturing that kids should be afforded. It is impossible to adequately care for that many children simultaneously. If this were a group home or orphan care center, it would be shut down for being understaffed.

What’s woefully overstaffed is Mrs. Duggar’s vagina. I love this image floating around the interweb:
Vagina: It’s not a clown car.

This last Duggar pregnancy required a C-section, which must be nature’s way of saying “Enough!” Apparently, the baby was turned sideways, but I have difficulty believing that her undoubtedly stretched vagina couldn’t slip that sucker out in spite of it all.

Will the couple stop? Nope! They are quoted as saying they are looking forward to having more. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if she were pregnant again already. There’s no better place than a hospital bed to get frisky. Plus, I imagine placenta makes a great natural lube.

The fashion sense of this family is dreadful, reminiscent of the members of the polygamist compound. Maybe that explains the situation: Mr. Duggar longs to be a polygamist, but being the jealous type, Mrs. Duggar just promised to carry the full load herself – in her womb.

Oh, and of course these kids are home-schooled. Why have just a couple of dumb kids when you can burden society with a dozen and a half of them? What happens when the siblings’ teacher is perpetually on maternity leave? I suppose every day can be part of summer break when you don’t even know what the seasons are.

The Duggars are a rare breed of media whore. They’ve fallen into this unfortunate cycle (menstrual?) in which they are only relevant as long as their family expands; to maintain their position in the limelight, they must keep having kids. Think of all those one-note celebrities (Gary Coleman, Paris Hilton, etc.) who must perform their same shtick to be granted attention. Generally these individuals turn to drugs; Mrs. Duggan might be the first such “star” to have an addiction to epidurals.

What’s worse is the Duggars would never recognize that they are fame-seekers because they believe that they are on a mission from God. As they see it, God blesses them with children so that they have a platform from which to spread the Gospel. Browse their website and you’ll find that there’s nothing subtle about their proselytizing. I do owe the Duggars some credit, as they have reawakened my faith. I’m praying again… praying for menopause.

Though our opinions clearly differ greatly, I do share one viewpoint with this hyper-Christian family: I’m not pro-choice…  I think abortions should be mandatory.