Resigned

I never mentioned this here last year, but a couple of months into the school year, I tried to resign. After a particularly horrible class, I marched directly to the principal's office and tried to get out. I wanted out and then some. My resignation was not accepted, however, and the principal gave me a pep talk, told me the administration had faith in me, and gave me some suggestions on how to make things better. Things got somewhat better, but not enough to keep me satisfied.

Part of the reason I signed back on to do this a second year was because the administration granted me a dream schedule: all honors classes. I didn't even ask for it, they just gave it to me as a pretty blatant attempt to have me keep teaching. It worked - I figured why not take a second try at teaching with the students who are far more interested in learning? While I enjoy teaching, I do not enjoy managing, and dealing with a nonstop barrage of behavior issues. I'm told by my colleagues that that is most of what teaching is these days, with some quick lessons taught in between the chatter. My two honors classes last year were my favorites because they had the fewest management issues, so I anticipated this year being much easier.

Two days before the school year started, my schedule was changed. I went from having all honors classes to just one. Though it's been easier than last year overall, there are still a lot of overwhelmingly bad kids. I don't handle it well, either. Though my understanding is that most teachers have trouble in this area, I am pretty confident I have even more trouble. I'm short, young, and passive -- the kids don't tend to respect me. As I've reflected on my management, I realize that my failures as a teacher correspond with my failures as a person. I put up with too much shit and I give people too many chances. Rather than addressing maltreatment or disrespect, I tend to put up with it, feeling that it's much more reflective of the person being an asshole than anything to do with me. Still, I'm sure this approach is seen as weak and leads to people being even more disrespectful. Though it destroys me inside, I'll bare it for far longer than necessary or appropriate just because that's how I am and I'm not quite sure how to handle it otherwise. Figuring this out would definitely help me both personally and professionally, but it's been one of the bigger struggles of my life, and is much easier said than done.

I went in for an evaluation a couple of weeks ago. It went okay, but there were some pointed suggestions on my management style. I agree on all counts, and though I hadn't anticipated doing so, I again offered up my resignation. Just as the first time, this offer was denied. In fact, I was told as far as they were concerned, I've already been hired back for next year as well, meaning if I want out, I'll have to quit in a more grand fashion.

One interesting aspect is that the administration is back to bribing me again. In the past two weeks, for no explicit reason, I have been given a few technological gizmos that no other teachers are receiving, objects that other teachers would kill to get their hands on; meanwhile, I'm a relative technophobe, so I probably will barely use it. I realize that it's been given to me to keep me happy and to keep me from quitting, which is nice, but technology is not actually going to fix any of my current problems. That'll have to come from within... if I can find it.