The Eye of the President

I've been holding out on you. I was going to save one last Presidential Essay for a special occasion, but that special occasion came sooner than I expected. The essay below was the only paper that I felt worthy of copying down word for word.

After grading this essay, later in the day I had a meeting with this student's teacher. I warned em, "[Student] wrote an amazing essay!" "What's so good about it?" the teacher asked. "I... I don't even want to ruin it. You just have to read it, it's pretty... wow." I turned to some other teachers I had shared it with for corroboration. "It's something special," they admitted.

The following day, I passed by this teacher. The teacher stopped me and said, "Hey, Mr. [Kevin]! This is [student] who wrote that paper you liked so much!" Turning to the student, the teacher said, "Mr. [Kevin] said you wrote a great paper." Immediately, I panicked. I was being sarcastic - had ey not picked up on the sarcasm? - clearly ey did not pick up on the sarcasm! "Hi," I greeted the student awkwardly. "What exactly did you like about the essay?" the teacher asked, trying to initiate a conversation between me and the student. I paused, realizing that honesty was not going to be appropriate in this situation. "It used strong language," I said, before excusing myself. The essay did not receive a good score, and soon enough the student would realize it, AND know who gave eir that score.

Tonight, I went out for drinks with some coworkers again. I finally worked up the nerve to tell the teacher that, actually, I was sarcastic, and that the student's essay did not pass. The teacher turned pale, explaining that in addition to our awkward encounter, ey also hyped up the essay to the whole class, all without ever having read it emself. "Well, that's it," ey said. "That essay has officially 'gotten lost.' I can't give it back."

Ah, but it's not lost. I've made a copy, just for you, dear readers. Sit back and educate yourself about politics. Just remember that as you read, you should remain calm. I repeat, REMAIN CALM!

2008 is arriving, citizens. That means it's just about time to elect another president! That's right, say goodbye to Bush, and pick another guy (or girl, for once) to watch over this INSANE country! But wait, don't just elect the friendly old man in your apartment; these people need the eye of the President! So, what does it take to have this awesome ability. KEEP READING AND FIND OUT!

To start, all of you wise guys need sense of leadership. That's right, you watch, care for, and lead this country no matter what it takes! They need to know what to do if a group of assassins plan on taking them out. If another country wants to wage war, and you think you can take them on, don't be afraid to send a message, saying, "Bring It On!" If you think you can handle any of these, you've passed the first test.

Next, no matter what's happening, the president must remain clam. I repeat, REMAIN CALM! Don't freak out when you're watching a video of a terrorist threatening to blow up a state in five minutes. No, just sit there, robotic looking, and simply reply at the end of the video with a, "No you're not, fool." A president must not panic if a building has been bombed. Either you try to sit down and talk with the bomber or bomb them right back; and the last thing that bomber will see is a sentence printed on that bomb that says, "Right Back At You!" A little wit in your mind will also help with the situations as well.

So, do you see anyone with the Eye of the President? Maybe you realize you've had the ability yourself. Either way, now you know to elect for 2008! What are you doing still reading this? Go get a piece of paper, write down who should be president, and save it until THAT day!