Polygamy on Film

Molls posted this and I immediately echoed her sentiment as a lover of bad, melodramatic media. Not only does the TV movie focus on polygamists, people I've been obsessed with ever since almost getting a tattoo to commemorate a polygamist cult, but it is a Lifetime movie! On Last Comic Standing this week, comedienne Paula Bel opined, "Lifetime: television for women. Every time you turn it on we're getting beaten, raped, and stabbed. Whose lifetime is this?!" I think that pretty much sums up the appeal.

Another reason I was compelled to In God's Country is the casting. What a bold decision to have the lead in a polygamist story be an African American! Actually, there wasn't a black person in the whole film, I had just confused the name Kelly Rowan for Kelly Rowland, hence mixing up the alcoholic mom from The OC with the Destiny's Child member who must have kissed Beyonce's ass the most since she was the only one to never be replaced.

In the cult, Rowan faces adversity. One sister wife tells her, "Must be terrible not having an infant of your own, I'd die of shame if I only had five children." That is some SMACK TALK for a polygamist. Later, her twelve-year-old daughter is injured and nearly raped by an older man in the congregation. Rowan actually keeps the incident pretty quiet, but since she doesn't, like, invite the man back over to her house for another try, her husband excommunicates her along with her five children. It's a good thing, since just after "God" tells the minister that all of the 12-year-olds should be married off to old men to keep them in line.

Rowan's oldest daughter steals a story line from Liesl from Sound of Music who whines that she wants to stay in Nazi Germany because she's in love with this guy who is 17 going on 18 or whatever. The polygamists tell "Liesl" she can marry her boyfriend if she returns to the compound except that they switch out the groom to her own stepfather at the last minute at her wedding because the polygamists firmly believe that young pussy is meant for decrepit old men.

Meanwhile, things are also difficult for Rowan in the real world. Her body can't stand that ungodly drug caffeine and she can barely work the cash register at the grocery store where she found employment. It's okay because her goal is actually to become a teacher even though she never made it past seventh grade herself. A local cop, who totally wants to get into Rowan's shapeless dresses, actually encourages this dumbass to pursue that path. Look, Mr. Flirty Cop, Rowan may be the only single woman of a certain age in that small town he polices, but she just left a cult, escaped from a burning building, started a new job, and filed a restraining order against her husband, so it's a little too early to be throwing it out there like that, especially for someone with more baggage than an airplane.

And then there's that twelve-year-old daughter; if she would have just shut up and gotten molested, none of this mess would have happened in the first place. She starts to like school more than religion and exalts the word "hypotenuse" like it is the name of Jesus Christ himself. My favorite scene in the whole movie is when she goes to the liberry to learn about astronomy (heathen!) and the liberrian tells her "520s." When the girl returns a confused look, the liberrian repeats "520s" before slowly saying, "Dew-ey-dec-i-mal-sys-tem" like the girl is a total idiot. I know the point of the scene is to show that the girl is uneducated from living with the cult, but the majority of kids her age are not going to know the Dewey Decimal System, so there's no point in being an asshole. I was once certified and paid to teach kids the Dewey Decimal System, and I doubt more than a few of them know Dewey as anything more than a character on Malcolm in the Middle.

In God's Country is set to expire on Hulu in the next week or so, so I recommend watching ASAP if you're interested. But when a movie includes dialogue such as "I am not your mother anymore, I'm your sister-wife and you're a grown woman, so behave like one!" I don't think you're going to want to resist.