The State of the Union

We're just a few hours away from Obama's last State of the Union address.

No, that's not a prediction that Obama will lose the election. That's a reminder that the year is 2012 and it is the last State of the Union for all of us.

FACT: Obama is not a secret Muslim, he's a secret Mayan. Everyone in that room tonight already knows the end is upon us. It's why Michelle Obama is so angry, John Boehner always cries, and Joe Biden just doesn't give a fuck.

Think about it: the world's imminent end is the only reasonable explanation for why our government is being run so poorly. Why go to the trouble of fixing an economy that won't exist in another year? Why worry about health care when cancer won't even have enough time to kill most of its victims? Why provide children with a quality education who will never have a chance to apply that knowledge?

I'm going to be applauding a lot tonight, and not just because I'll be blitzed. I'm grateful that the unemployment rate is so high so that I don't have to spend my last days working. I'm grateful that I've been shot at with paint-bullets alongside fellow peaceful protesters so that I can finally experience what it's like to play paintball, a luxury I've previously been unable to afford. And I'm grateful that we killed bin Laden in advance so that none of us will get stuck next to him in purgatory. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Look for all to be revealed tonight when Obama declares, "The state of our union is apocalyptic."