Let me be clear about what you’re looking at here: I woke up in the morning with TWO bugs smooshed to my leg. A spider and whatever kind of creature that green thing is. They were not only dead, but I had somehow managed to crush them so thoroughly that they stuck to me.

Part of me feels super gross, but part of me wants to brag: that’s the most action I’ve had in bed in a while. I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.

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