2011-08-04

Clifford the Big Red Dong


Lately I've been curious about the origin story of Clifford the Big Red Dog. Like, how did he get so big? Are his parents big? Did he mutate? Would his kids grow up to be equally as big?

When I brought this up to Dan, he pointed out that Clifford is not "genetically sustainable". At first I was confused, but then I realized he was just finding a polite way to say that Clifford is, for all intents and purposes, unable to procreate because of a presumably massive penis. At his stature, Clifford must be hung like a horse, by which I mean that he probably has a penis the size of an actual horse. For a moment, ignore the fact that he's a ginger and that no one would be attracted to him - even if a lady friend of Clifford's was daring enough to give him a whirl, she would surely die in the process.

However, I could definitely see someone using Clifford's sperm to artificially inseminate another dog to breed more huge dogs. But even that's probably not in the cards for Clifford at this point. Surely his owners have had him neutered, otherwise he'd be humping every billboard and building in town. Trampling through a neighbor's rose garden is an appropriate conflict in children's literature; thrusting against a church steeple is not.

So how was he neutered? I figured they might have to use a sword, but Stacy thought of a more appropriate implement: a pair of those comically oversized scissors meant for ribbon-cutting ceremonies. I could definitely see that being a mayoral duty. "I may not have cut taxes, but I did snip Clifford's big red dong. Never has it been so important to control the pet population."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

3 years earlier someone drew this
http://mrcappy.deviantart.com/art/Clifford-The-Big-Nad-Dog-74927806

3 years later some idiot you don't know writes this comment