I Won't Lose at Love Again

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm heading off to Vegas this weekend, and invited Andrew to come along. He politely declined because he had Valentine's Day plans and said of Stacy and me, "oh you two will have so much fun."

Here is my angry emailed reply:

'tever, Andrew.

It was two years ago that I won your girlfriend FAIR AND SQUARE in a radio contest for her heart. Now you're rubbing it in my face that you have other plans for her on Valentine's Day AKA MY anniversary with her.

To quote you: "oh, you two will have so much fun" But I hope you fucking don't!

Excuse me while I tidy up this mess, my home has been wrecked.

For those of you who don't understand the reference, I competed on a radio dating show with Andrew two years ago. I "won" the show, but since Andrew was already secretly dating the bachelorette, I was never able to take my prize. If you're not familiar with how all of this went down, you should read the full details about it here before you go any further; I promise you'll like it, I've been told it's one of the best tales I've ever shared on this blog.

I'm not legitimately angry at Andrew or anything, all I'm saying is that since he and Nicole are still together, just think of how successful my relationship with her would be as someone who connected with her by answering trivial questions. We would probably have a lot of babies.

Anyway, I have a copy of the broadcast, and I figure in honor of this event's two year anniversary it is time to actually share the show with you fine readers, considering, or so I'm told, that tens of thousands of people heard it at the time.
(You'll need to go three minutes into the first clip before the show actually starts, apologies.)

Part One:

Part Two:

Or if you prefer to listen/download via Z-share, go here: Part 1 and Part 2

I took the time to re-listen to it myself, and had a good time. Going back, I have some new observations and comments.

1. Dan is hilarious, so I'm still not sure why if Andrew didn't win that Dan didn't win. My favorite Dan moments:

• the slide whistle fiasco
  
• "I try to diversify my portfolio of totally rockin' words."
  
• Reference to a "space quake"
  
• Comparing his college experience to a Backstreet Boys video set in a haunted house
  
• "Justin Timberlake has a song, 'Cry Me a River' which is what I keep telling to people."

That last one is so clever that it not only caused me to snort on air, but actually snort again today hearing it back. Speaking of snorting:

2. My sibling Alison is the one who wrote in to complain about my snorting (I did divulge a lot of information about my tendency to snort) and my friend Allison is the one calling in with the technical-difficultied garbled voice saying something about my baby being on a stove. Other than that, I'm really not sure who was calling/messaging in to pick on me/us. Does anyone want to fess up?

3. The show is clearly dated. Andrew has cable now, and despite Dan bemoaning Fox not allowing The Simpsons and Family Guy on the Internet, they have since caved to Hulu.

4. With the internet's help, I have confirmed that "It's Gonna Be Me" is in fact an 'N Sync song, even though they almost didn't give me credit for it.

5. I feel bad about how hard I slammed Andrew. I really went for the jugular, but to my credit, I thought he was going to defend himself, look like a hero, and win his woman. I can't believe I won when I was being such an asshole. I picked on his lactose intolerance, his stealing of Dan's word, his refusal to support his hypothetical daughter in a failing marriage, and even gave the all-out slam "You're too sloth-like to rock" (which requires some context to understand just how cruel it is.)

6. The best out-of-context statement came from Andrew: "Everyone would have a really nice time in Andrew."

7. The best DJ quip: "Do you believe in Free Willy?" (Again, context required, so just listen to the show already.)

With this, Andrew, I demand a rematch. Another competition for your woman's affections, and this time, a fair one. It will be broadcast for the world to hear and maybe it'll involve a fight to the death, to make it more dramatic and decrease the chance of Nicole not sticking with the actual winner. See you in Rocktober, Andrew.