Objectum-Sexuals

Open your mind. Okay, now open it wider. Wider.

Are you ready for objectum-sexuals? These are people who feel emotional and physical connections with inanimate objects.

Even with an open mind, I must admit that it's bizarre, yet fascinating. This documentary (found via One D at a Time) shows its subjects a good deal of respect even when they're straddling the Eiffel Tower to gratify themselves. It's a good special and I promise that you'll laugh, be perplexed, and perhaps even question your own identity.


Watch Married To The Eiffel Tower [Part 1]  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com


Watch Married To The Eiffel Tower [Part 2]  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Maybe I'm too open minded, because my first thought after watching this was to contemplate objectum-sexuality in my own life. Like hypochondriacs that decide they have hepatitis once they learn about it, I wondered whether I might be an objectum-sexual.

So I started glancing around the room for objects that might strike my fancy, but nothing called out to me. I don't know, never say never, obviously, but I suppose if I've gone twenty-five years without knowing such an attraction was possible, it doesn't seem like a promising prospect. Plus, I'm pretty picky about mates being intelligent and capable of holding a good conversation, and that essentially rules all non-humans out. No offense, lamp.

Still, there is something appealing about being in a relationship with someonething that can't hurt or reject you, so I almost can't fault them for that. I do have some other criticisms, though:

• Consent: Does that fence want to be mounted? How do we know?
  
• PDA: Okay, you're in love, but I don't need to see it. If I heckle people who grope in public, it's only fair for me to give you shit for making out with a carnival ride, too, particularly when you do it on camera.
  
• Star-fuckers: I feel that I'd be more understanding of this love if the objectum-sexuals weren't so fixated on famous objects, like the Eiffel Tower, Berlin Wall, and Empire State Building. Are they doing it for attention? The thrill of being with a celebrity? Will VH1 do a series called Golden Gate Bridge of Love in which fifteen scantily-clad objectum-sexuals vie for the orange structure's affections?

Regardless, in the name of sensitivity, it is no longer appropriate to have these types of exchanges:
"I love ice cream."
"If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?"

That kind of love is real. Don't belittle it.