My Five Favorite Infomercials

Contemporary inventors have it rough. Not only have most of the best ideas already been taken, but any products they do manage to develop are immediately regulated to late night television infomercials. Each of these ads starts with a preposterous scenario in which someone struggles at an everyday task that any normal, functioning person would never have a problem with, and the commercial does its best to convince you that you, too, are crippled by this mild inconvenience. I might never buy the products, but I love the pitches. Here are my five favorite infomercials:

5. The Clever Clasp

(note: this video plays twice in a row)

Who is it for? People who struggle to put on jewelry.
Why do I love it? The narrator subtly suggesting that overweight women can’t reach behind their own necks.
Why am I skeptical? Adding magnets to your expensive jewelry doesn’t seem like the classiest move. Plus, if the magnets are as strong as the ad suggests, it could become a choking hazard if you got too close to a refrigerator.

4. Listen Up


Who is it for? Elderly people who have never been introduced to a hearing aid.
Why do I love it? Evidently, strangers constantly talk about how sexy you are, and now you’ll finally have a chance to hear it.
Why am I skeptical? If your wife is regularly screaming at you, would you really want that noise amplified? I’d rather give up hearing altogether.

3. The Snuggie


Who is it for? Satanists incapable of using a blanket.
Why do I love it? The lack of shame people have toward wearing blankets in public. The mother who is so cold she wears a Snuggie, yet leaves her baby un-Snuggied and exposed to the elements.
Why am I skeptical? I thought I found one in my closet, but it turned out I had just put my bathrobe on backwards.

2. Tiddy Bear


Who is it for? Brittle people who can’t handle wearing a seat belt.
Why do I love it? It’s called what?! Ah, T-I-D-D-Y, thanks for spelling that for me. This bear miraculously relieves seat belt pressure on any part of your body. Rest it against your shoulder – or atop your tiddies.
Why am I skeptical? A bead-filled bear pressed against your body doesn’t sound any more comfortable than the alternative. Also, I suspect that driving around with a stuffed animal on your chest leaves you that much more susceptible to being pulled over for a DUI.

1. My Lil’ Reminder


Who is it for? Forgetful, illiterate people who can’t use a pen and paper.
Why do I love it? The acting in this ad is especially superb. I think I once saw the lady who flatly delivers the opening line, “Where did I park my car? Oh no.” on Broadway.
Why am I skeptical? Though a technological upgrade for the post-it note is a godsend, what do I do when I forget where I put my My Lil’ Reminder? Perhaps that’s why they send you a second one for free, so one can be used to keep tabs on the location of the other.

I can only imagine if the wheel were invented today what ridiculous marketing campaign would result. Each wheel comes with free fire to read cave drawings at night.