Foreign to Films

The last time I went to a movie theater was in the spring to see Freedom Writers. I wouldn't have wasted my time watching yet another inspirational teacher movie, except that I was able to get in free with my teacher ID, so, you know. In fact, Freedom Writers is the only movie I've seen in theaters in the past year -- and I didn't even pay to see it. Prior to that, the last movie (again, in a theater) I saw was in August, the Hollywood premiere of Snakes on a Plane, which obviously was a special occasion. I just can't be motivated to go. I have no idea what's playing, it's expensive, and I get bored.

I'm a multi-tasker: if I'm not doing several things at once, I'm dissatisfied. My high school years were spent sitting in front of a computer IM-ing with friends, doing my homework, watching television, and listening to music all at the same time. Doing all of these activities simultaneously was essential to me to keep myself interested. No one task seems exciting enough to devote my full attention to, for whatever reason.

Nowadays, I'm not sure I could handle those four at once (honestly, who watches TV and listens to music at the same time?), but I still need to have at least two activities going at once. If I'm eating, I'll be watching TV, grading, or reading at the same time. If I'm on the phone, I'll be reading, driving, doing yard work or sometimes going to the bathroom at the same time. Even when writing blog posts, I tend to be listening to music and surfing the web as well. Sometimes I even write them at school on a notebook while I circle the classroom "monitoring" my students. In fact, the only activity I am willing to devote my full attention to these days is sleeping, unless dreaming counts.

I cite my multitasking tendencies as my reason for steering clear of the theater. When I used to go to screenings as a media studies student, I'd bring a book of puzzles and sit under the emergency light so that I could have something to do in addition to watching the film. I don't have the same opportunity at traditional theaters. When I'm at the movies, I'm forced to immerse myself in something, and I'm not too keen on subjecting myself to that. It'd be okay if I could talk through it, but that's considered unacceptable behavior (except with Snakes on a Plane!), and most of my friends are there to watch, not discuss -- at least not in the moment. Inevitably, I get antsy and want something to supplement the experience, but there's no light to permit an additional activity.

Now that I get Netflix, I am watching more movies than I used to. I get to watch them my way, however, which is to say barely at all. To me, movies are a diversion, a background distraction. If it turns out a movie is good, then sure, I'll pay more attention to it and stop my other activity, but generally I'm disinterested enough to pull off multiple activities without interruption.

My weird movie-watching tendencies have become problematic lately. My friends love going to the movies, an interest I appreciate and certainly don't fault them for, it's just that I know I can't share that enjoyment in the same way. When we watch movies at home, it's fine, because I can write/type/play a game by myself while the others pay more attention than me. At the movie theater, however, I feel stranded. Each time a friend suggests going to the movies, I panic a little bit. I think about how horrible it will be if I don't like the movie and I'm stuck there for an hour and a half with nothing to amuse me, not to mention the fact that I paid about $10 for the experience. It'd be one thing if it were free, but I'm not down to pay to end up somewhat uncomfortable. I used to make excuses to my friends as to why I couldn't/shouldn't go, but now I'm starting to be honest with my friends about the reasons I'm always declining such invitations.

Admittedly, it's peculiar to stress over the idea of going to the movies, but it's my reality. It concerns me because I feel I should be able to enjoy something at face value, to just relax and watch a movie without looking for outside entertainment. On Saturday, a few friends went to the theater. I tried to get myself excited for it, but then decided I would be much happier doing my laundry and grading essays. I think that speaks to how extreme my movie-phobia has become that I would rather do two things I normally dislike. The redeeming quality was that it was in fact two things, an opportunity the movies don't generally afford me.

I've had an internal conflict about my condition since then. I want to take the plunge and see a fucking movie, for crying out loud. Tonight, some of my friends went to the movies again. I researched the film a bit and got reasonably excited about it, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity. I came home from work and took a nap, since I didn't want my tiredness to be an excuse. I got a call informing me that the movie we were going to see was showing too late, so it wasn't certain what movie we'd end up seeing. Again, I panicked. Some movie? We're just going to see some movie? I was ready to see the movie, but not some movie; I'm not yet ready to see a movie in those circumstances for the sake of just seeing a movie. Having that element now out of my control, I internally freaked out and declined the opportunity again. It may just be a movie, but it stressed me out, as if it were the worst idea ever. So now I'm at home, not at the movies, and Shea's trying to get me to eat his tuna and peanut butter casserole. (That's one thing I'm not going to beat myself up for being disinterested in.)

If anyone has a diagnosis or thinks they know what's wrong with me besides, you know, everything, please give me a holler. We can discuss it over dinner, a book, and just maybe a movie, too.