8 Thoughts I Had During the World Cup Final

1. Just because I served my friends edamame as a snack during the game doesn’t mean I’m a “traitor” as they accused.

2. Aren’t they supposed to take their shirts off? A little more sports bra action would help to hold my attention.

3. The Japanese women have an unfair advantage. Post-Fukushima, they probably have third legs to kick with.

4. How tacky is the sign in the audience that says “Wambach is the bomb”? ix-Nay on the iroshima-Hay eferences-ray.

5. The broadcaster says that the First Family has been “riveted to the television”. Let’s hope she doesn’t mean that literally, or surely our nation is under attack.

6. Even if I were Japanese, I would never wave the Japanese flag with pride. It looks like a zit. Whoever Japan’s version of Betsy Ross is was a lazy fuck. “Hmm, let’s slap a red dot on this and call it a day.”

7. Anyone in America who even considered cheering for Japan’s team should be interned.

8. Did the Japanese athletes not dump Gatorade on their coach’s head out of fear that it would trigger tsunami flashbacks?