Cartoons and Child Abuse

I changed my Facebook picture to a cartoon. As a kid, I would have given anything to be a Rescue Ranger, particularly Chip, the stern, fedora-wearing chipmunk detective, so I figure it's never too late to make dreams come true.

While most people are changing their photos under the guise of "child abuse awareness," I'm participating because I never turn down an opportunity to get nostalgic. In no way will my picture deter a ChiMo. (ChiMo is the shorthand my friends use for child molester... it's necessary because we talk about them so frequently.) Considering ChiMos often misrepresent themselves as younger on social networking sites to lure kids, by concealing their efforts amongst a sea of animation, we've actually just made Facebook a safe haven for abusers.

In fact, I firmly believe that cartoons CAUSE child abuse. It was the source of my indiscretion, anyway, at the age of six. Yes, I was a child child abuser; do not underestimate the epidemic that is child-on-child abuse.

I had just watched an episode of one of my favorite cartoons, Duck Tales, that featured the characters traveling back in time and encountering CaveDucks. CaveDucks were primitive creatures that beat each other with clubs while shouting "ooga-booga." It seemed so fun that I reenacted the scene with my three-year-old sister. As we "pretended" to beat each other senseless while grunting, I shoved her hard, causing her to fall down and strike her head on the edge of a rocking chair.

Blood, blood, blood. Then my sister had to be whisked to the emergency room for several stitches. Suspecting her of the abuse, the doctor questioned my mother several times about the injury to see if her story was consistent.

But it wasn't my mom, it was me. Turned callous and violent by cartoons, I was a bona fide child abuser. I don't watch cartoons anymore... and I also no longer abuse kids. And you know how they say correlation equals causation, so, like, proof!

In short: Facebook, you're doing it wrong.