Accidental Kiddie Porn

I’m not a ChiMo, but I might have been mistaken for one. (ChiMo is my friend circle’s shorthand for Child Molester. Because, you know, we reference child molesters so much that it’s important to have an abbreviation for it.)

At Ben’s wedding reception, his best man, Raza, gave the traditional speech. By traditional, I mean that is customary to give one; the content was hardly “traditional.” In fact, the short speech led up to the distribution of a childhood photo of Ben. Not just any childhood photo, but one in which Ben had his pants down. The guests laughed as the photos were dispersed. I chuckled, too, of course, and then, not sure what to do with it, slipped the double-sided picture into my blazer pocket.

Fast forward to the next day at the airport. The handle on my wheeled luggage jammed and I couldn’t shut it properly. Since I was planning to stow the suitcase in the overhead compartment, I needed to force it closed. After several failed attempts, I actually dumped all of the contents of my bag out in the middle of the terminal so that I could tug/massage the handle to a closed position. While pulling it from the inside made progress, it was a long process. I was a little self-conscious since I was sitting next to a messy pile of my clothing including my underwear as hundreds if not thousands of people walked by.

It turned out that I didn’t know what self-conscious really meant until, full minutes later, I found the naked photo of Ben was somehow sitting atop my belongings for the world to see. Because I had been making a spectacle of myself by making a mess and thrashing my suitcase about, surely some people had noticed a photo of a nude boy amongst my possessions.

Embarrassed, I flipped over the picture to hide it, only to remember moments later that – whoops! – the other side was graphic, too. The last thing I needed was to be caught with this racy photo, so I buried the image beneath my clothes. After fixing the suitcase and repacking my things, I honestly was concerned that the authorities would approach me because some passerby had reported me in possession of child pornography, but fortunately I got on the plane without incident – or another incident, anyway. Funny how an innocent joke at a wedding can become a criminal offense in another context.