Every musician needs a muse, and R. Kelly’s muse is sex. For someone whose life has been plagued with sex scandals, R. Kelly doesn’t shy away from the subject in his songs. Sure, he’ll release the occasional song like “Heaven, I Need a Hug” to appear sympathetic after beating charges for allegedly creating pornography with a minor, but then he’ll follow it up with a single about banging whatever youn thing walks by him in a club. You know, just demonstrating his innocence!
I’ve long had a theory that 75% of Kelly’s songs are in no small way about sex, so I decided to conduct some research to put it to the test. Even I was surprised by the results; it’s to the extent that I’m shocked his hit single wasn’t called “I Believe I Can Fuck.” I’d like to share my findings with you, as I present
The 25 Most Overtly Sexual R. Kelly Songs:
SONG: Your Body’s Callin’
YEAR: 1994
ROMANTIC LINE: “And now that you’ve come around to seein’ it my way, you won’t regret it, baby, and you surely won’t forget it, baby.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Statutory rape.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “These hands have been longing to touch you, baby.” (Personifying a body part is unsurprising, considering Kelly is one big personified penis.)
OF NOTE: Kelly recorded a remix of this song with Aaliyah, his alleged child bride.
SONG: Sex in the Kitchen
YEAR: 2005
ROMANTIC LINE: “I want sex in the kitchen over by the stove. I want to put you on the counter by the buttered rolls. Hands on the table, on your tippy toes, we’ll be makin’ love like the restaurant was closed.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Eating out.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Girl, I’m ready to toss your salad!”
OF NOTE: Tired of objectifying video hos and club whores, Kelly focuses his hormones on homemakers.
SONG: You Remind Me of Something
YEAR: 1995
ROMANTIC LINE: “I wanna get to know you, lady, and hip me up on how to get inside you.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Doing it in the backseat.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “You remind me of my Jeep – I want to ride it. Something like my sound – I want to pump it.”
OF NOTE: What Kelly means to say is that you remind him of sex. As does everything.
SONG: The Zoo
YEAR: 2007
ROMANTIC LINE: “Makin’ love like we was just two heated animals, baby, come and lay with me in my jungle.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Doggy style.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “I got you so wet, it’s like a rain forest. Like
Jurassic Park except I’m your sex-a-saurus, baby.”
OF NOTE: Some parents bring their kids to the zoo to teach them about the birds and the bees; Kelly wouldn’t mind providing some private tutoring.
SONG: Echo
YEAR: 2009
ROMANTIC LINE: “Now when we finally get to round 10, we not gonna stop, we’ll start again. And when you need a break, I’ll let you up, I’ll let you breathe, wash your face, get something to eat, then come back to the bedroom.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Holding your partner sexually hostage.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Now I'm working it up and down like a roller coaster ride: sex in the evening, sex all night.”
OF NOTE: Kelly must have blown all his money on strippers, because this video is hilariously low-budget. Also, he seems to have mistaken yodeling for some sort of sensual mating call.
SONG: Sex Planet
YEAR: 2007
ROMANTIC LINE: “Girl, I promise this will be painless, painless. We’ll take a trip to planet Uranus.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: A raunchy study-break from astronomy.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Gonna get you so excited once I taste your Milky Way.”
OF NOTE: All of Kelly’s sex metaphors here are truly out of this world.
SONG: Half on a Baby
YEAR: 1998
ROMANTIC LINE: “Now tell me what the deal is, are you ready to bump? It’s gonna take a lifetime to give you all of this love. So baby open up and get ready to receive a miracle of love: gettin’ down with me.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Willing to feign a paternal instinct in order to avoid having to wear a condom.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Like a hotel room, I’m checkin’ in to you. I’m diggin’ like a shovel all the things you do.”
OF NOTE: He’s willing to go Dutch on creating a kid, but don’t expect that deal to carry through when it comes time for child support.
SONG: Rock Star
YEAR: 2007
ROMANTIC LINE: “Call me Scotty, ‘cause, girl, I’m ‘bout to beam up. Once I get ya, get ya, gon’ come on out of them D-cups.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Cashing in on the perks of being a celebrity.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Strokin’ it (expletive), strokin’ it (expletive) while you got your legs up, makin’ ya, makin’ ya sound like ya got the hiccups.”
OF NOTE: Ludacris and Kid Rock collaborate on this song as well. It’s an important, previously unexplored narrative about how famous musicians can get laid whenever they want.
SONG: Bump N’ Grind
YEAR: 1994
ROMANTIC LINE: “I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Justifying your philandering.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: As this was one of his first songs, Kelly had yet to discover the true poet in himself.
OF NOTE: It’s not immoral if it involves Kelly getting off!
SONG: Greatest Sex
YEAR: 2000
ROMANTIC LINE: “Baby, your love stays constantly on my mind. This is the best sex I’ve ever had.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Using romantic gestures to get laid.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Like a voyage when the storm begins to roar, there’s no telling what this night could have in store.”
OF NOTE: All of the girls he complimented in his other songs should be jealous because
this one was the greatest sex.
SONG: Pregnant
YEAR: 2009
ROMANTIC LINE: “Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant. Lay your body down and get you pregnant. Knock you up, pregnant.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Spending your tax refund on an abortion.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Raise your hand if you want me to fulfill your fantasies: I can have you co-starrin’ in one of my movies.” (Surely this is figurative because he’s not in movies… unless he’s referring to another sex tape, in which case: g’ew!)
OF NOTE: This chick is so hot, even though he doesn’t want a commitment, he wants a souvenir.
SONG: Slow Wind
YEAR: 2005
ROMANTIC LINE: “Girl, the time has come to show and prove. I’ve seen enough, I wanna feel the truth.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Courting pussy from another culture.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Lead me to your secret jungle, babe.”
OF NOTE: Kelly is singing to a slow-moving Jamaican queen. He should call her “Your
Highness in every sense of the word.
SONG: Number One
YEAR: 2009
ROMANTIC LINE: “It’s okay if you want to brag: the sex so good, go and pat yourself on the back.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Spending a weekend together.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Havin’ sex with you is like makin’ hits. Girl, we got egos, they can’t tell us that we ain’t the shit, no.”
OF NOTE: Kelly duets with Keri Hilson in attempt to prove his songs are more than masturbatory fantasies.
SONG: Sex Me
YEAR: 1993
ROMANTIC LINE: “Any unexpected positions, anything unexpected, bring it on, yeah. Any secret fantasies, anything secret, I’ll fulfill as long as you sex me.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Establishing your debatable heterosexuality from the onset of your career.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Let me kiss you in the right place, so I can see “Sex me baby!” written on your face.”
OF NOTE: This song is Kelly’s first single. Clearly, he set an important tone right from the start.
SONG: Bangin’ the Headboard
YEAR: 2009
ROMANTIC LINE: “Girl, we’ll be bangin’, bangin’, bangin’, b-b-bangin’ the headboard.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Allowing the neighbors to hear everything.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Like us both in a room at my domain about to blow up and hit like a hurricane.”
OF NOTE: Kelly should invest in WD-40 to combat his squeaky bed.
SONG: Skin
YEAR: 2008
ROMANTIC LINE: “Girl, I’ll be flipping your body, so I hope you’re acrobatic.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Pressuring someone who wouldn’t put out on the first date.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “I would be your toy, play with me like Lego.”
OF NOTE: Kelly claims he’s been patient in waiting to have sex with her, but fuck that, it’s time to fuck!
SONG: Honey Love
YEAR: 1992
ROMANTIC LINE: “Turn the lights down. Don’t be scared. Touch me. I know what you want and, uh, tonight is your night for the rest of your life, so just lay back and relax and listen.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Taking someone’s virginity.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Just like a lollipop, you’re so sweet, hey. And your body’s like a lemon drop, sure tastes good to me.”
OF NOTE: Kelly agrees to take you to the mall, provided sex will occur later.
SONG: Be My #2
YEAR: 2010
ROMANTIC LINE: “Be my #2, girl, you’re so fine, so fine. Be my #2, but you will never be my #1.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Cheating!
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “I could never be your husband, but that don’t mean you still don’t rock my world.”
OF NOTE: To conclude the song, Kelly threatens to slap all the “hatin’ motherfuckers” who don’t accept his infidelity.
SONG: (Sex) Love Is What We Makin’
YEAR: 2005
ROMANTIC LINE: “Sex in the morning, sex in the evening, sex in the noon day even when we sleeping. I want sex on all the holidays and every single weekend. Baby, it’s okay, because love is what we making.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Tantric sex.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “We’ll take our time ‘cause, girl, we got our whole life. Your sex is incredible, it’s goin’ on the 12th night.” (I’d at least like to hope it’s hyperbole.)
OF NOTE: Kelly’s eagerness to have sex with you even when you’re sleeping sounds a little like rape.
SONG: Snake
YEAR: 2003
ROMANTIC LINE: “Spotted you shakin’ it fast, earthquaking that ass in denim.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: A lot of tongue action.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Like two gorillas in a jungle makin’ love.”
OF NOTE: The video’s cultural insensitivity demonstrates that while Kelly might have studied a broad, he’s never studied abroad.
SONG: Touchin’
YEAR: 2005
ROMANTIC LINE: “Raindrops falling, love angels calling – something tells me this could be the greatest sex in history. All these nights, girl, I vow to make you cry when I go down.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Having sex. Noticing a pattern yet?
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Like a summer breeze, bursting trees, loving the way you pleasin’ me.”
OF NOTE: Any two people practically have an obligation to fornicate once they find themselves alone, posits Kelly.
SONG: Sex Weed
YEAR: 2005
ROMANTIC LINE: “Girl, you got that sex weed, I just want to hit it all the time, sex so good that it gets me high.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Indulging in vices.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Girl, it’s like a dime bag dro, the way you movin’ that cush real slow.”
OF NOTE: Sex is a drug, and Kelly is addicted.
SONG: Pull Your Hair
YEAR: 2005
ROMANTIC LINE: “As a kid man, I used to play tug of war. Now I grab chicks by the hair and play rug of war.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Covering the bed in pieces of hair extensions.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “I sweat weaves out, you should call me Richard Simmons.”
OF NOTE: You can ask Kelly not to mess up your hairdo during intercourse, but he’s not going to listen.
SONG: All I Really Want
YEAR: 2000
ROMANTIC LINE: “In the middle of the night, best believe I’m going in. So hold your pillow tight, ‘cause I wanna do it again and again.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Tender loving.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “Make your body feel like heaven, baby.”
OF NOTE: Like in many of his songs, Kelly lets you know you won’t be getting any sleep anytime soon.
SONG: Ignition (Remix)
YEAR: 2003
ROMANTIC LINE: “I’m about to take my key and stick it in the ignition.”
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR: Being too drunk to give a fuck about anything other than fucking.
FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE: “You must be a football coach the way you got me playing the field.”
OF NOTE: Though hotel management won’t let you loiter in the lobby past 4am, you are still permitted to “take it to your room and freak somebody.”
There you have it, twenty-five hyper-sexualized R. Kelly songs. It didn’t have to stop at twenty-five, I was just kind of worn out, because unlike Kelly, some people need a rest. For example, I didn’t even get to “I Like the Crotch on You.” But I don’t need to finish his oeuvre to know that Robert Kelly is the king of singing about his dick while using awful similes. He may not be classified as a sex offender, but he’s definitely proven his sex addict status. I wouldn’t recommend compiling a mix CD with these tracks because they’re quickly redundant and anyone you tried to seduce with the music would label you a pervert and make a hasty exit before getting past foreplay. It’s like, we get it R. Kelly: You like sex, you’re really good at it, and everything we’ve heard about your prowess is true… except for those illegal things. And the peeing thing. (Please write a song about the peeing thing.)
