Missed Connection: Beyonce

I’ve never posted a Missed Connection before, but I thought it would be funny to write a longwinded one that might creep out even the creepy Vegas crowd. But it’s a joke. Well, it’s 90% joke. MAYBE Beyonce was actually in to me. That’s what my friends were insisting. I kept making up excuses on why I should back away, but she met every advance. I felt like one of those guys who is convinced that the stripper really likes him. Except that I wasn’t putting any money in her booty shorts and she devoted nearly all of her attention to just me.

The story actually starts with a Whitney Houston impersonator, whose blackjack table I sat at. She asked if I wanted a drink, and I asked her if she had cocaine. When she dealt me a bad hand, I told her “Hell to the No!” She found me endearing, as most dealers do, and we legitimately flirted. As she kept winning my money away for the house, I told her that I was “about to have a big comeback… just like you were supposed to have.” This made her crack up so hard that she banged her head against the table accidentally. She was kind of a trainwreck, but I think that just makes her better at her job in this case. I left to go elsewhere with my friends, but she told me she got off at 4 am and I promised to come back for her.

Whitney was on break when I returned, however, so I sat with Beyonce who was unflaggingly nice. We hit it off, but I still thought I had a better shot with Whitney. Melinda told me to raise my standards, and Ryan argued that Beyonce actually liked me, so I switched allegiances. (Sorry, Whit!)

The whole night was great. I won a couple hundred dollars, I had countless rounds of free drinks, and I wasn’t even sitting in my seat the majority of the time. I was too busy dancing and winning and hugging Beyonce. The pit bosses kept looking at me trying to see if I was disrupting anything or crossing any bounds, but the spectacle I was making of myself was definitely good for the casino. I helped to attract a crowd and get people excited, and people were putting me into their vacation photos. I wouldn’t say this often, but I was “the man,” or maybe just drunk enough to believe so, and I had Beyonce around my arm to verify it.

If she wants an encore, now she has a way to get at me. Whitney, too.