Okay, you win, MTV. Last year, I heard about the shocking events that unfolded during your Video Music Awards for days, so this time I felt peer pressured to watch your broadcast. While I certainly won’t argue with the terrific “Bad Romance” sweeping the night, I’m still a bit confused by some of the events. To address my lingering queries, let’s play a game of 20 Questions:
1. After releasing a dove from her crotch, why did Chelsea Handler miss the opportunity to make a joke about a bird in the hand being worth two in her bush?
2. Did Lady Gaga have to prove her lack of a penis before being awarded Best Female video?
3. If I make a “30 Seconds to Orgasm” joke, does that make me more of a tool than Jared Leto?
4. Did Kim Kardashian agree to introduce Justin Bieber because she secretly enjoys receiving death threats from preteens or simply because they agreed to film her from the front?
5. Is “Eminem had to fly to New York to do a show tonight” code for “Eminem is doing coke out of Paris Hilton’s snatch with Lindsay Lohan backstage?”
6. How does Chelsea Handler make being unfunny look so effortless?
7. Does MTV consider it community service when they allow an actually talented indie artist like Florence & the Machine to play a full song or do they just assume people might mistake her outrageous costumes and choreography for Lady Gaga?
8. That “Tick Tock” she keeps hearing is her fifteen minutes - will Ke$ha have to remove the dollar sign from her name when she is broke by next year?
9. Which is more pathetic: interrupting a teenager’s acceptance speech or writing a self-righteous song about said incident that labels the perpetrator an “innocent?”
10. Do you think Kanye’s inner-monologue is going something like, “But wouldn’t it be just a little bit funny if I ran up there again?”
11. If I promise to tweet about the VMAs, will MTV finally shut up about it?
12. Do the stars of True Blood realize they’re missing their own show’s finale to quickly ramble off the technical awards deemed too boring to be given substantial airtime?
13. Is it too much to ask for a hairdryer to fall from the rafters while the cast of Jersey Shore is in the hot tub?
14. Though both are very true, will anyone ever introduce Sofia Vergara without mentioning that she’s beautiful and Columbian?
15. Has Sway intentionally not checked his mail for the past five years knowing full well that there’s a pink slip from MTV waiting for him?
16. Is that guy singing with B.O.B. emulating Janelle Monae’s haircut on purpose?
17. Isn’t having a category in which kids can vote for the winner the same thing as just handing Justin Bieber an award from the get-go?
18. What’s the point of having Linkin Park play a song if it doesn’t lead to an appearance by Antoine “Obviously, we have a rapist in Linkin Park” Dodson?
19. Who told Cher she could turn back time in that outfit?
20. Did Kanye ask to have the set of V recreated for his toast to douchebags, assholes, scumbags, and jerkoffs?
2010-09-12
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