Steak in My Pocket: A Trip to Vegas

Bullet points are a lazy way to write. But I just got back from Vegas and I AM lazy, so I'm going to run-down the highlights without worrying about complete sentences and transitions.

* Bought a vodka tonic at the Encore lounge. Was asked if I wanted Stoli or Grey Goose. I requested to just have the house, and was told that Stoli and Grey Goose ARE the house options. I get it, Encore, you're too classy for me.

* Found a sleep shirt in a gift shop that read DO NOT DISTURB LAST NIGHT'S COCKTAIL QUEEN. Allison bought it "as a gift for someone else." Doubt it!

* Circus Circus literally smells like poop. You only wish you could blame it on the animals, but they don't actually have any. It's just stinky.

* There are expensive arcade zones for children to play in since they can't gamble. Instead, they a lot of money to play games for the chance of winning tickets to redeem for over-valued prizes. How exactly is this any more healthy than gambling?

* Stayed at Hooters Casino because it's cheap. It was more ghetto than the last time I visited with disconcerting stains on the carpet and the kind of hallway that people get murdered in.

* Met a girl who was staying two doors down from me. She assumed I was "foreign" for some reason. She had driven all the way from Iowa to Vegas. Most importantly, she was wearing a thin bikini and was holding two packs of cigarettes in her cleavage. I think she was trying to get a job there.

* Hit an all-you-can-eat buffet way too hard. Though it's not uncommon to feel like puking from alcohol in Vegas, it's a little ridic when it comes from overeating. (Six kinds of meat, y'all!) I felt so ill that I wanted to go to bed at 9PM, but powered through.

* At the end of my meal, I couldn't finish this nice piece of steak and didn't want it to go to waste, so I wrapped it in a napkin a put it in my pocket "for later". For the next several hours, I had a steak in my pocket, and I walked that thing all over Vegas. My plan was to take it out randomly while playing at a table and eating a couple of bites, but my friends were too embarrassed to let me when I tried at about 2AM.

* Had one of the best times ever at a craps table next to these senior citizen sisters. They had never gambled before, and one of them had a forty minute roll (which is crazy lucky/impressive if you're not familiar with the game) and won me a bunch of money. She was like hundreds of dollars richer and dumbfounded, just all sorts of old lady giddy.

* Woke up smelling a little like steak.

* Crashed the Encore's fancy pool. It is a "European Pool" which means the women can be topless. Not enough of them took advantage of these rules, however. Still, there was one notable moment where a lady jokingly started playing with her topless friend's boobs. The topless girl retaliated by pulling off her friend's top. Hooters only wishes it had that kind of naked lesbian action. Maybe that's why the Encore costs three times as much.

* A blackjack dealer openly laughed at the extent of my misfortune. Allison then said my favorite quote ever: "It's time to go back to a place where we don't get ripped off, except for parking structures and street cleaning tickets." And with that, we returned to Los Angeles.