Candle in the Wind

En route to Margarita Monday, LarGar revealed that Elton John is in the hospital suffering from the flu and E. coli. Like with any famous musical artist (e.g. Michael Jackson), I don’t care much about him or his health. Look, I’m sure Elton’s a nice guy and all, but I’d prefer to look out for the more obscure musicians. Call me when some dude from Chumbawamba gets shingles.

Despite not much caring, I did inquire whether Elton was dying, because celebrities have not been having the best luck at staying alive lately. That, and I had some selfish motivations. I have a brilliant idea on how to become an instant Internet celebrity that is little more than me posting a video of myself singing “Candle in the Wind” while crying. If Elton can make a hit out of that song twice, surely I can do the same just once; it’s no more than half as exploitative as Elton ever was, do the math. The problem is that this video is only a recipe for success if Elton dies, so if this hospital visit heals him, I’m out of luck.

Also, I acknowledge that this idea isn’t particularly original. It’s fairly obvious to eulogize Elton with the same song he eulogized others with. The thing is, most people aren’t even thinking of that yet, which is why if I’m prepared, I can be first, which is often just as important as being creative. I figure if I prerecord my version of “Candle in the Wind,” I could be ready to upload it to YouTube the moment he is declared dead. Grief-stricken fans would see my tribute first and herald it (or ME!) a hit and, depending on how many millions of views I get, I might even be invited to sing at Elton’s real funeral. After all, if publishing companies can pre-write commemorative biographies about famous figures they anticipate kicking the bucket any day so that they can literally (or literarily?) go to press before the wake even occurs, why can’t I get in on that racket, too?

Unfortunately, Elton John might not even die anytime soon. Heaven forbid, say he doesn’t pass away for two more decades: I can’t just use a recording of me singing “Candle in the Wind” now 20 years later. People will realize I prepared this song in advance and might consider it “tacky.” I need it to look current, so every so often, I’m thinking every Leap Day since it’s kind of like a bonus day anyway, I’ll rerecord my Elton John death tribute in order to have it ready. Still, it’d be more convenient if I only had to prepare it once. Is this pig flu killing anybody yet? I mean, come on, live up to the hype!

In the meantime, text me if you hear that the “worst” happens. I can’t be Twitter-searching for Elton John all day every day.