Anything Goes, Though It Shouldn't

There are only two reasons to attend children's theater: out of obligation or masochism. I must fit in the latter group since when Allison invited me to attend eir grade school's annual musical, I accepted. I didn't have high hopes - it would be unreasonable to expect more from preteens - but Allison told me that the director was hyping the show as professional and the best one yet. This same director also claims to have "Broadway training," so it struck me that this person was likely delusional.

We arrived at the school, but had difficulty finding our way inside. A school in the city is different than one in the suburbs in that it requires far more security; this one is enclosed in an intimidatingly spiky fence. We paced the large campus' perimeter looking for an entrance, only to find ourselves sufficiently locked out. After searching unsuccessfully in a location that could best be described as an upscale crack alley, a friendly face finally took pity upon our lost souls and snuck us through a back gate.

We were escorted to the theater by passing through backstage. Momentarily, I felt privileged to have this opportunity to see the behind the scenes action until I came face to face with a member of the cast: a ten-year-old in a costume dress shakily practicing her tap dance. Though the theater still reeked of self-importance, I fast realized this show was not going to be something worth writing home about. Blogging is another story, evidently.

The play was Anything Goes, a musical about upper class Brits and Americans on a boat in the 1930s. In other words, it was a high interest piece for Latino children. The show was so distant irrelevant to both the cast and the audience that it became a chore for everyone. The detachment from the piece was evident in the delivery of the lines. Though most of the words seemed to be correct, the awkward punctuation and inflection revealed that the kids had no idea what they were saying. Between the dated cultural references and pun-driven humor, I wouldn't blame them for this fact, however. Truthfully, I feel the same way when I have my students read Shakespeare. Sure, they (well, some of them) can read the words, but when they don't even attempt to comprehend their meaning, what's the point? It's an exercise in tradition rather than education, something I've come to recognize as a true fault of the system.

If I didn't know better, I'd have thought half of the performers were missing their hands. Amusingly, the costumes were comprised of ill-fitting adult clothing such that the sleeves covered the kids' hands. As they gestured without visible appendages, I liked to imagine that they were all amputees, which kept me giggling pretty much the entire show.

The most dramatic aspects of the play were the dramatic pauses. For up to a minute at a time, the theater was deafened with silence as an actor missed a cue or struggled to remember a line. At this rate, the play appeared as though it might drag on for four hours. Fortunately, one unskilled actor made up for lost time by reciting his lines as quickly as possible, seemingly afraid that if he didn't say it quickly, he might forget it altogether, which sometimes he did. He also was monotone and mumbled. He was a lead and he was awful. Heck, Mischa Barton could act circles around this kid. Worst of all, his character was meant to be constant comic relief, but without the necessary comic delivery, it took me a while to realize that his character's lines were remotely funny.

In addition to being situationally inappropriate, Anything Goes, it was also inappropriate for preteen students at a Catholic school. If I understood it correctly, and I can't be sure that I did, there seemed to be a lot of religious satire, which I suppose makes the whole performance even more satirical in that context. Additionally, there was a great deal of sexual innuendo. I don't quite enjoy nine-year-olds behaving friskily with one another, though I realize I'm in the minority on this issue. On some occasions, I could tell that some alterations must have been made: a line in the song where the word "hell" would have fit as the rhyme was replaced with "heck." The censorship was inconsistent, though, because they followed through with the song "I Get a Kick out of You," which unapologetically features a verse about sniffing cocaine. After the cocaine lyrics, the subsequent song "Blow, Gabriel, Blow" also carried a new meaning.

The show legitimately offended me with the young Chinese characters Ching and Ling. Their sole purpose is to allow for extraneous, stereotypical Asian jokes, particularly when the protagonists steal their oversized hats and speak in broken English in a successful attempt to disguise themselves. Unsurprisingly, the audience loved these characters, as it was the "easiest" humor to understand. Allison and I cringed and slumped in our seats.

The problem with Anything Goes, as it the case with most musicals is that between all of the song and dance numbers, there's simply no time for a plot. Nothing happens. There are two sets of love interests and by the end they swap partners, even though there's no character development for the audience to give a hoot over who ends up with whom. During "I Get a Kick out of You," after picking my jaw off the floor following the cocaine lyrics, I tapped Allison to ask who the character was singing about. It was so ambiguous, I had no idea who she was even in love with at that point.

At intermission, we contemplated leaving, but I was curious how it would end. Not because there were loose story lines, but because I was genuinely confused where the plot would go since I didn't see the point in a damn thing that happened thus far. The title "Anything Goes" is right: the writers apparently pieced together a bunch of barely cohesive songs and dialogue and passed it off as a genuine musical.

If this show indeed demonstrated "Broadway training," then people need to start studying elsewhere in order to hone their craft. Regrettably, I must strongly not recommend the St. Catherine* Catholic grade school revival of Anything Goes. Those kids truly put on a shitty show and, frankly, they should be ashamed of themselves.

This article will also appear in the New York Times Arts section this Sunday.