Something I've Been Meaning to Address

A true philanthropist, Amber has trouble saying no to charities. Any organization who mails eir a request for money is likely to receive at least a nominal donation. Amber's contributions are not thankless: in addition to positive karma, Amber also receives gifts of gratitude from the charities, most often in the form of return address labels. Over the past few years, Amber has amassed literally thousands of personalized return address stickers. They come in many colors and fonts. Some come plain, some come with clip art, and some even come adorned in glitter. The point is they keep coming, and coming, with no end in sight. No joke, if Amber were to ever mail as many letters as ey has address labels, it would require eir taking out a loan to purchase the necessary postage stamps. They would make great items to share and re-gift, the only problem being that since the labels are customized, other people can't actually use them.

Well, most people that is. Seeing as we're housemates, I've been known to help myself to Amber's massive stash. Granted, the labels do say Amber's name, but as I see it, it adds momentary intrigue as to who sent the letter on the part of my recipient. Plus, should my envelope need to be sent back, it'll wind up at the right house.

My parents were the first to call me out on this behavior. "I notice you are using Amber's address labels. Do you want us to get you your own?" I was insistent that I was not interested in having my own labels. I barely send mail, and when I do, what's the harm in using the preexisting ones rather than creating even more? My parents found my stance peculiar and amusing - given that they are so frequently confounded by my slightly offbeat actions and mentalities, I think it's fair to say that that's how they find me 90% of the time. I can picture my mother sharing this tale at eir weekly scrapbooking parties: "Now he's using his housemate's address labels. Can you imagine?"

Three weeks later, I received a small package in the mail. It thanked me for my donation to some charity and included a couple hundred address labels to reward my generosity. I didn't remember giving money to this organization, but I didn't question it much either. Besides, having return address labels with my very own name on it was hardly a bad thing.

Less than a week later, I received more labels from another charity, again thanking me. Two days later, additional stickers arrived. This pattern continued as I was greeted by the March of Dimes, National Children's Cancer Society, and Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Suddenly, after collecting forty here, a few hundred there, I went from having no address labels to owning more than a thousand. Something was fishy - what was the source of this onslaught? Who would donate to charities in my name so that I could receive address labels? Oh...

When my parents came for a Margarita Monday, I confronted them. They denied it, so I pressed harder. Obviously, they had a hand in this sticker windfall, finding my decision to forego my own labels ridiculous. My interrogation was unsuccessful, however; they seemed genuinely confused by my account and I now believe that they had nothing to do with it.

The case is still not closed, though. I will find my mysterious label benefactor and I will make em stop! I can even mail hundreds of requests if necessary. Don't think I won't.

Over time, I mercifully stopped receiving the address adhesives. Out of the hundreds of labels I've collected, I've used four, maybe five. I might need to start sending chain letters again in order to utilize them. Just when I thought the madness was done, a couple of weeks ago I received more labels from a veterans charity. Three days later, I got more labels on behalf of the injured veterans. Why was the same organization giving me so many labels? Then I checked their original envelopes: one was from the Disabled American Veterans and the other was from Paralyzed Veterans of America. Those are different organizations? As if I would give to either of them! I mean suppose I would if I knew that the veterans were in fact wounded in the line of duty, but if their injuries were sustained after their military service like in a car accident or after slipping on a banana peal, there's no way I'm paying for that shit!

You know what I need? Some Return to Sender stickers.