Finds at a Christian Thrift Store

Last week, I had just received a rental car to repair the damage and found myself near the Christian thrift store where I still fondly recall the cashier's witty religious Scrabble pun. The store is called Threeway because its proceeds are split between three charities, though its title is a bit too reminiscent of a ménage à trois for a religiously operated shop.

Inside, I was immediately drawn to the Christian book section, where I discovered some amazing literature. Allow me to share some of my favorites with you:

Training Children in Godliness
Or "Everything you ever needed to know in order to indoctrinate."

He Touched Me
It shares its name with a popular Lifetime film.

How to Pray for the Release of the Holy Spirit
Forty-seven easyconvoluted steps! It's some serious prose. Even better is the photo on the back:
These are the shwanky TV Bible thumping hosts that authored the book. To be that glamorous!

Parents: Everyone Is NOT Doing It: Effectively Teaching Teenagers Abstinence
My favorite chapter is for the parents with teenagers who weren't quick enough with preventing copulation. Evidently, virginity is an attitude that can be reclaimed. For example, if you have stolen once, you aren't forever a thief, so long as you make a commitment to yourself to never steal again. Or at least not until you're married. Wait, that's probably where the analogy ends. Hmm...

If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?
The title is a great spin on "Why does God let good things happen to good people?"

Chapter titles include: God Loves You -- Pimples and All; Are You Starring on Broadway or Being Yourself?; You're Not Okay, and Neither Am I; The Bible Talks About Figs, Not Dates; Does Your Tongue Need a Prison Sentence?

Each page-long chapter follows a very precise formula:
1) Rhetorical question as an opening sentence-grabber
2) Ridiculous metaphor
3) Another ridiculous metaphor
4) Confusing blending of the aforementioned metaphors
5) Religious/morality lesson put in capital letters or italics for emphasis as a culmination

After a quick skimming, here are a few of my favorite passages:

Do you ever feel like the little kid who sings, "Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I'm gonna go eat worms"? If you answered "yes," join the human race.
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Are you able to talk yourself into and out of almost anything? Can you think of sixty-nine good reasons for not doing your history lesson?
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Watching "Roots" on TV, or studying United States history can make you hate slavery. In fact, maybe you couldn't imagine anything worse than being a slave. But did you know that millions of people are slaves today? Their master is sin and sin is a terrible master.
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Do you ever feel like you're caught in quicksand, a slimey [sic] bog, a bottomless pit -- a situation you don't think you'll ever be able to get out of? Well, the Bible calls this kind of vicious circle the law of sin and death.
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Marching with the high school band in a big parade can be exciting and enjoyable -- unless you're in the front row marching out of step and you're wearing the last available hat, which would have fit Humpty Dumpty, but which won't stay on your head even though it's stuffed with two newspapers.
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We can enjoy God's love only if we accept the fact that He knows how to run His universe. If you're a cat lover, you know that some kittens can be lovingly petted on your lap and their purr will nearly drown out the TV set. With the same loving intentions, you can pick up another cat and it will spit and scratch and bristle. The difference is only a matter of the cats' attitudes. In the same way, you can choose to accept God's love or reject it. Are you a "purrer" or a "spitter"?

Finally, Proverbs for Graduates
At this point, inspiration struck: this book -- nay -- all of these books would make great graduation gifts! And so it was. And they were indeed admired.

Next, I went to the t-shirt section, hoping to find something laughably religious. The very first shirt I looked at was this one. It has my name! Nevermind that I have no idea what the first time to Vince's means, or why it was significant enough to make a shirt to commemorate such an event. On the one occasion I've worn it thus far, everyone asks what it means, and I have to respond that I do not know.

Finally, I found the Christian-themed shirt I wanted. Jesus was a carpenter -- he builds character more sturdily than anyone.

Before leaving the shop, this dramatic, colorful poster of an enchantress attracted my eye. How does such pagan art find its way to a Christian thrift store? Knowing it is of questionable taste, I've hung it in a central location in my living room, drawing the ire of some of my housemates. I find it beautiful.

Upon leaving the store, I searched the parking lot frantically for my car. It's not as if I don't see it since there's only three cars in the parking lot. Did someone really steal my vehicle from a Christian thrift store? Then I was struck with some divine intervention: I had just picked up my rental car, which I entirely forgot about. This car next to me was, in fact, my car. If God Loves Me, Why Am I a Moron?