Ugly Christmas Sweater

The dress code at my recent Christmas party: ugly Christmas sweaters. I scored this awesome Santa sweater at a thrift store and loved it so much that I wore it again yesterday on Christmas Day, much to the chagrin of many of my relatives. But really, what's worse: making a fashion faux pas or only wearing a sweater you paid $2.99 for only once?

Though I received a lot of teasing for my attire, my grandma actually insisted that she didn't think my sweater was ugly at all. So suck it, haters! Ugly Christmas sweaters 4 life.

Baby Jesus Piñata

Yesterday, I attempted to reach out with good will to Jewish people this Christmas. Upon further reflection, I take it all back.

For my recent Christmas party, I made a baby Jesus piñata because that is a popular Mexican tradition. (Which is to say that Mexicans play with piñatas on Christmas, not that they beat the crap out of Jesus, you racists.) Really, I just wanted to paper mache something, as I haven't done that since I was in elementary school, so making a baby Jesus piñata seemed like a perfect (if not blasphemous) party game!

Anyway, with conflicted hearts, Allison and I had also invited several Jewish people to our Christmas party, assuming they would be on their best behavior. But shortly after hanging little Jesus from the ceiling, Jenna (Jewish!) approached the little guy and trouble followed.



Immediately, Jesus's leg fell off. Jenna claimed she didn't really touch the piñata, which I took as an insult to my shoddy craftsmanship - we can't all be a skilled carpenter like Jesus.

Staring at the dismembered Jesus, however, I knew the truth. It must be as genetic as Tay-Sachs: when Jewish people see Jesus, they can't help but attack. Jews have an innate trait to destroy Christ at any cost, and Jenna was helpless but to fulfill what was ingrained in her.



Fortunately, she didn't foul up our game entirely. Later in the night we burst open the baby's body and candy flowed from him like the love that God hath promised. We feasted from it as if it were a communion ritual.

But lesson learned: no Semites at next year's Christmas party. Clearly, you can't trust them not to kill Our Lord and Savior. Happy Birthday Eve, Jesus.

Hristmas

I'm now going to say "Hristmas" instead of "Christmas." This pronunciation alteration is an effort to be more respectful to Jewish people, who can't seem to say the "C" on "Chanukah." Maybe they would celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Hrist if we made our holiday more friendly to the Hebrew language. Remember: Silent "C" for the "Silent Night."

Anyway, to help introduce the Jews to our sacred holiday, I'm going to post one of my favorite tracks from the Hirstmas CD Allison and I recorded: a medley of songs from the Nutcracker. It contains no words... and you might be surprised to learn that there are no instruments either! Yup, all of those noises were made by our talented mouths. Someone should definitely hook us up with a recording contract. Is that why I'm suddenly sucking up to the Jews, the same people who control the entertainment industry? I will not confirm such an accusation!


The Nutcracker - Allison & Kevin

Poop Quiz!

Before a guest arrives at my house, I realize that I'm out of toilet paper. Do I:

A. Make a trip to the store to purchase some toilet paper?
B. Ask her to pick up some toilet paper on the way to my house?
C. Ignore the situation then rush to her when she finally uses the bathroom and pass her some napkins?

If you didn't choose C, you clearly are unaware of what a classy host I am. At least this time I had a toilet to offer up, unlike in previous times where I instructed all guests that they had to urinate outdoors.

Baby steps!

Cute/Adorable

Kevin: It looks cute on you.
Matt: I'm not cute, I'm adorable!
Kevin: What's the difference?
Matt: Cute sells cards, adorable sells calendars.

Mistle/Cameltoe

Every Christmas party needs some Mistle/Cameltoe. There's nothing more romantic than pulling your soulmate under this holiday delight to share some affection.

True love!



I can't personally say I found genuine romance under the Mistle/Cameltoe, though I was assaulted by a few free-spirited (emphasis on the spirits) tongues beneath the doorway, most notably by a friend whose boyfriend stood no more than three feet away from us. I don't think he cared; maybe he understood that all that peppermint schnapps I was chugging made my minty mouth irresistible for her to kiss.




Feliz Navidad - Allison & Kevin

Merry Christmas, Grandpa

My mom recently unearthed an old Christmas card addressed to me from a pile of junk. Though I'm not sure when it was sent, I know it's old because Grandma and Grandpa have been dead for more than four years now.

No time to be sad, though, since there was still $10 in it! Woo-hoo! Although I think Grandpa seriously underestimated how bad inflation would get by the time I actually opened the card several years later. You try seeing a film in Los Angeles for $10. Then again, he did put "holiday movie" in quotation marks, so maybe he knew I'd just spend the money on porn anyway.

Allison and Kevin's Christmas Album Release Party

Allison and I hosted our Christmas Album Release Party this past weekend and I've reached one big conclusion: I am a better party planner than a party executor.

Don't get me wrong, the party was great. Everyone had a lot of fun, and the place was packed; had the Christmas lights malfunctioned and started a fire, there would have surely been fatalities.

But we went so overboard on promises before the party that we couldn't deliver. Each of the TWELVE days before the party, we sent out a new announcement promising a new exciting element to the party. While this succeeded in creating a hype (people were talking!), it was practically impossible to run a game of White Elephant, organize a group singalong for charity, and have everyone dance like the Peanuts amidst a standing room only crowd.

For the sake of completion, once the crowd thinned to the last drunkies standing (and in some cases, leaning) at about three AM, we did rush through all of our promises. But that doesn't make us good hosts, just hosts looking to get by on a technicality.

If you want a copy of the album Allison and I recorded, we've still got some extras. Either we didn't do a good job of telling people to grab them, or people decided to forego the freebie for the sake of their eardrums. Below are three tracks in case you want to sample/download them:


O Come All Ye Faithful (featuring Macomputer)


Carol of the Bells


The Chipmunk Song

Blog Resurrected

Hey friends/readers/pedophiles-who-understandably-don't-realize-this-blog-is-written-by-an-adult,

I have a backlog of things I've been wanting to post lately, but that'll have to wait, because today I almost lost a dear friend... this blog.

As some of you may have noticed, my blog disappeared. This weekend, my Google account, which hosts my blog, was compromised. Hackers then used this password to delete my blog entirely.

When I discovered the situation, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I didn't even know how to process it. Yeah, it's just a blog, but I've poured more than five years of effort into this thing, and losing that much of my writing is devastating. Though in the previous year I've begun backing up some of the posts, the vast majority of it was gone.

Thankfully, after I wrote them for assistance, Google was able to retrieve my data. I can't even express what a relief this is. Losing it, even briefly, made me realize just how important Kevin Babbles is as an outlet for me. Lately, I can't honestly say I've given it my all, but it's not because I no longer care.

Apologies that this post isn't remotely entertaining, but I did want to thank all of my readers for being supportive and giving this place some validation. Though I tell myself that I mainly maintain this site for myself, I'm sure I would have quit long ago were it not for the number of hits and your positive reinforcement; it means a lot to me. I'll be back tomorrow with a better post, hackers willing.

Oh, and on that note, fuck a hacker. Hackers shouldn't be so mean to strangers. That's my job.

#1

Don't post this on Facebook if you don't want me to ask for a baby.

Ten Most Overlooked Cartoon Characters

Well, no one has cartoon characters as their Facebook images anymore, which I guess means that child abuse has been conquered! Yay!!!! Kids can finally accept candy from strangers without fear.

Still, I'm disappointed that the cartoon fad is over because there were still so many animated gems that were yet to be properly commemorated. Here are the ten cartoon characters most unjustly overlooked:


10. Chicken Boo - Animaniacs
As his theme song dictates: "You wear a disguise to look like human guys, but you're not a man, you're a Chicken Boo." When he wore a hat, people mistook him for a person, yet when that hat fell off, they screamed as they discovered he was but a giant chicken.


9. Martha Generic - Bobby's World
Bobby may be best remembered for being voiced by Howie Mandel (yes THE Howie Mandel!), but the real standout voice belongs to Bobby's mom, who had a folksy accent to rival Sarah Palin, dontchaknow?


8. Dr. Werner Lipschitz - Rugrats
Lipschitz was a child psychologist who cared more about hawking products than the welfare of kids, though entranced parents still blindly followed his advice.


7. The Buddy Bears - Garfield and Friends
Eternal optimists, the Buddy Bears never ceased to sing about team unity. Their annoying perkiness was the perfect foil to Garfield's curmudgeon tendencies.


6. Mrs. Beakley - DuckTales
Matronly and fairly useless in the face of d-d-d-danger, Mrs. Beakley was a loyal grandmother to Webby and nanny to Huey, Dewey, and Louie. She's also been known to polish Scrooge's moneybags, if you know what I mean. (I mean that she was his maid.)


5. Hoggish Greedly - The New Adventures of Captain Planet and the Planeteers
There's nothing this piggish villain loved more than depleting limited resources and slaughtering endangered species. Though he snorted when he talked, Hoggish should be commended for keeping those do-gooding Planeteers on their toes.


4. RUDI - The Jetsons
He was George's work computer that did all of the actual work. Stuck in the office, RUDI was lonely and severely depressed; he would have surely killed himself if only he had been programmed to know how.


3. Denver - Denver, the Last Dinosaur
It's not easy being the last existing dinosaur considering how many researchists would like to exploit him for science. Fortunately, a group of young friends found him first and kept him safe. Much like Chicken Boo, with a simple baseball cap and t-shirt, Denver could pass for a human boy.


2. Irma Langinstein - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The clumsy best friend of April was not only super dorky, but also super boy-crazy. Alas, despite a crush on Donatello, she never managed to bag a turtle. Perhaps they weren't attracted to Jews.


1. Bud Dink - Doug
In the spirit of Wilson, Mr. Feeny, Kimmy Gibbler, and Urkel, comes another whacky next door neighbor character: Mr. Dink. He spent his time creating unsuccessful inventions, but at least it was a better way of keeping his hands busy than, say, molesting Doug.

I looked hard, and not even one was referenced on Facebook. How did you forget all these classics, Facebook? You should be ashamed - even more ashamed than the child abusers themselves.

Forced Buffness

Kelly: Would you call that guy muscle-y?
Jared: No, anyone can wear an extra small t-shirt.

Cartoons and Child Abuse

I changed my Facebook picture to a cartoon. As a kid, I would have given anything to be a Rescue Ranger, particularly Chip, the stern, fedora-wearing chipmunk detective, so I figure it's never too late to make dreams come true.

While most people are changing their photos under the guise of "child abuse awareness," I'm participating because I never turn down an opportunity to get nostalgic. In no way will my picture deter a ChiMo. (ChiMo is the shorthand my friends use for child molester... it's necessary because we talk about them so frequently.) Considering ChiMos often misrepresent themselves as younger on social networking sites to lure kids, by concealing their efforts amongst a sea of animation, we've actually just made Facebook a safe haven for abusers.

In fact, I firmly believe that cartoons CAUSE child abuse. It was the source of my indiscretion, anyway, at the age of six. Yes, I was a child child abuser; do not underestimate the epidemic that is child-on-child abuse.

I had just watched an episode of one of my favorite cartoons, Duck Tales, that featured the characters traveling back in time and encountering CaveDucks. CaveDucks were primitive creatures that beat each other with clubs while shouting "ooga-booga." It seemed so fun that I reenacted the scene with my three-year-old sister. As we "pretended" to beat each other senseless while grunting, I shoved her hard, causing her to fall down and strike her head on the edge of a rocking chair.

Blood, blood, blood. Then my sister had to be whisked to the emergency room for several stitches. Suspecting her of the abuse, the doctor questioned my mother several times about the injury to see if her story was consistent.

But it wasn't my mom, it was me. Turned callous and violent by cartoons, I was a bona fide child abuser. I don't watch cartoons anymore... and I also no longer abuse kids. And you know how they say correlation equals causation, so, like, proof!

In short: Facebook, you're doing it wrong.

Tell Him - The Exciters

I've always thought this song was great, but this video pushes it over the top to amazing-ness.

Considering there's no context for it, setting the video at a zoo in itself is amusing, but then serenading an angry bear with a love song... that's inspired.

Who's more out of place: the Exciters in formal wear at the zoo... or the guy in the girls' group? I'm not convinced he wants to be there.

And why would he with all that awful choreography? (Not you, animals, you moved beautifully.)

Tears in Heaven

My teenaged cousin, a budding musician, played "Tears in Heaven" on the guitar for my family. It always makes me snicker because my roommate does a standup routine about the song, which Eric Clapton wrote after his toddler plummeted to his death. The punch line is basically that he's not accusing Clapton of pushing his kid out the window, but he does find it suspicious that he had a hit song about the incident ready to go so quickly. I shared the joke with my family, but, finding it distasteful, they just groaned.

It was frustrating because I wanted the joke to kill every bit as much as Clapton did. So when we were at the bowling alley later and "Wonderful Tonight" came on the speakers, I decided to bring it up again. "I can't believe they play that baby killer here." This time the joke received some chuckling.

Later another cousin of mine said he would never have more than two kids and if his wife were to become pregnant with a third, he would kill it. My aunt objected to the thought, but I pointed out that he could write a #1 song about the experience and become a big success. "You're not letting this one go, huh?" someone commented amongst the decent amount of laughter.

While browsing the dinner menu, I decided to go in for the final strike: "I heard Eric Clapton ordered the veal here." This time, everyone laughed heartily.

The moral of the story: Don't give up on a joke. Also, Eric Clapton killed his baby.