Eurovision 2012 Final: The Performances You Need to See

Given my expressed fanaticism, I’ve been asked to do a Eurovision final recap. Initially, I didn’t see the point because I already compiled a video of the funniest Eurovision songs and many of the most absurd songs were (justifiably yet infuriatingly) eliminated in the semifinals. After going to great lengths to track down a projector and inviting friends over and, if Eurovision weren’t as entertaining as I had promised, it would have been a major letdown.

Thankfully, the Eurovision final didn’t disappoint one bit, as there was still plenty of hilarity to go around. Allow me to give you a rundown of some of the live performances you shouldn’t have missed:

1. Moldova

The cheesy, not quite sensical English lyrics are great, but it’s the harsh, angular steps of the background dancers in clashing dresses that really steals the show. Best believe we at home immediately tried to recreate our favorite moves, particularly the one where they roll on their stomach like a rocking horse while positioned underneath someone (at the 2:10 mark).

2. Russia

Perhaps nothing summarizes Eurovision better than this song by some dancing grannies that finished in second place. No really, Europe declared this the second best song in the whole continent this year. Granted, they’re really cute – they even bake cookies on stage – but there’s no actual talent here. Maybe Europeans are in on the joke, too.

3. Albania

 You are going to be so confused yet entranced by this video. You have to see this woman’s hairy chest to believe it – what exactly is going on with that world’s longest, misplaced rattail? Is it supposed to distract you from the fact that she’s screaming rather than singing? She doesn’t even stay on key as she wails, but still managed to finish the competition in the top 5.

4. Turkey

This seventh place finisher “sings” like some karaoker whose sole objective is to make his drunk friends in the audience giggle. If you can somehow manage not to laugh at the effeminate, caped, vampire-like background dancers, just wait until they turn their costumes into a boat toward the end.

5. Sweden

Sweden is the night's winner, and well deserved, I’d say, considering the competition. It was easily one of the best songs performed, and yet she also kept things entertaining with her unusual dance moves. The way she swooshes her arms around the stage, and oh my gosh that epic crabwalk… we agreed we’d be borrowing some of her moves the next time we’re at a dance club.

6. Greece

If you’re looking for one song that’s the most typical of Eurovision, I offer you Greece’s entry: simple lyrics, awful but wholly amusing dancing, and more than a hint of sex. Also, this song easily has the best chorus of the night: “Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh/You make me dance like a maniac/Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh/You make me want your aphrodisiac.”

7. Ireland

Of course I have to mention the Ritalin-deficient twins who do flips, high five in the air, and put their hands together to form a heart. Oh, and then the performance culminates in the brothers taking a shower together.

8. Lithuania

This young guy sings while wearing a bedazzled blindfold (the song is called “Love Is Blind”, get it?) until things take a turn for the super awesome. At the 1:30 mark, he tears the blindfold off, does a one-handed cartwheel, and starts thrusting inappropriately like some kid who is about to get chastised by a chaperone at prom.

You guys, I’m telling you that this shit-show is terrific. Eurovision 2013 cannot come soon enough.