White Guy With Guitar Mars Another Season of American Idol

I never for a second expected a different outcome, yet I still can’t shake the disappointment of seeing the 5^th consecutive WGWG (White Guy With Guitar) crowned the winner of American Idol. Phillip Phillips – the man who’s so mediocre they had to name him twice just so you’d remember him – won despite being outperformed by his competitors week after week. Clearly fans care more about how cute his mouth is (look at his adorably stupid little pout as he sang the closing note of his last song that people won't stop discussing) than the quality of the voice that comes out of his mouth.

Idol prides itself on the fact that more votes were cast for its final episode than the presidential election, but conveniently leaves out the fact that fans can vote an unlimited number of times. This system gives all the power to the people who don’t mind spending two straight hours texting or dialing the phone: namely, teenage girls. Why should someone like me even bother to throw a couple of votes toward a good contestant, when I know they will be dwarfed by the blind (or in this case, deaf) hormonal devotion of young girls?  

Shame on me for watching a de facto rigged competition, I suppose. I avoided Idol for years but joined a while back when unemployment provided me with way too much free time, and now I still find myself watching. (But not the results shows because why spend an hour watching filler just to hear them read one name when I can do the same on the internet in two seconds?) This year I stuck around due to the talent. Idol is often a shit show, but this time there were so many great singers who deserved to compete for the title. Phillip Phillips just wasn’t one of them.

Hollie, Elise, Skylar, Jessica, Erika, and Jeremy could all SING, yet sadly never stood a chance due to their vaginas (or in Jeremy’s case, obesity). I’m not saying Phillip is an awful singer, he managed a few good songs throughout the competition, but it is embarrassing to see him nonchalantly walk away with the win while the others sang circles around him.

I can’t just blame the voters, but the useless judges, too. The judges nitpicked with the best singers while just licking Phillip’s asshole the whole time, never mentioning any of his missed notes or flawed approaches. The worst feedback the judges gave is that he never could sing the melody, but they’d forgive him for it anyway. Being unable to sing a melody is a big freaking deal for a musician if you ask me, but what do I know? I’m not a perverted Alzheimer’s patient like Steven Tyler or a joke who spouts clichés like Randy Jackson. Lord help us that Jennifer Lopez was the only one with it enough to provide comprehendible criticism, yet was too smitten with little Phillip to say a bad word.

At the end of the day, I don’t even dislike Phillip. He seems like a nice, humble, funny dude who refused to follow the producers’ fashion and music advice and without any explanation never participated in any of the show’s product placement moments. I imagine I could be friends with Phillip – the kind that would chronically make excuses for being unable to attend his gigs – but a friend in other situations.

The good thing to come out of a Phillip victory is that his coronation song is amazing. Idol coronation songs (generally the first single) are notoriously awful, but “Home” is an amazing track, regardless of who sings it. Steven said Phillip sounded like Paul Simon while Randy more accurately compared it to Mumford and Sons. Oh, and Jennifer said that it sounded like “nobody else”, which was funny coming just seconds apart from the other critiques.

Anyway, I love the drum line and wordless sing-along chorus, and I think radio would embrace this song. Though I figured Phillip didn’t have the chops to succeed off the show, this song could actually do it for him. Unfortunately, Phillip wants nothing to do with it. “I don’t write songs like that,” he said in an interview. “The song that I did tonight that supposedly is my single, it’s not really my single, I told them it’s not my single.” Oh good, so sabotage yourself young man. Discard a song that was loved by your fans and haters alike and write your own melody-less songs that feature you scatting out-of-tune and see how that works for you.

Fortunately, I found that Greg Holden, the song’s cowriter, has performed the song previously. Now I can listen to a song I like by someone who sings it even better. Yeah, he’s a cute white guy with a guitar, but that’s not a problem because he can actually sing. Idol should be sure to screen their WGWG better in the future so when they inevitably get stuck with one as the winner, they can at least claim he deserved it for being able to carry a tune.