1. I came in with a new haircut, and a guy - named Guy, incidentally - told me I look like Forrest Gump now. I was instinctively insulted, but Guy insisted that it was a good thing because Forrest is nice and everybody loves him. I tried to rationalize in my head that, despite his disabilities, Forrest accomplished way more than I ever will in life, so maybe it really is a style to aspire to, but then Guy's wife said, "You can't tell someone they look like Forrest Gump because he's retarded." Guy promptly left the bar for home and I'm not sure what to make of the incident.
2. After explaining what a bad day she was having, a drunk woman found a dollar bill on the floor. She tried to give it to everyone nearby, but I told her "finders keepers" and that it was a sign her luck was turning around. This made her happy, and I started singing, "The sun'll come out tomorrow!" to keep the optimistic vibes going. She thanked me for singing to her and I joked that I was only doing it in the hopes of being tipped her dollar. And that's when she took the dollar and shoved it down my pants. No, not just the pants, but down my underwear, too -- there was quick penis contact, even. I was speechless, as were my friends, but I finally reached in and fished the dollar out to return to her. "You need to keep your luck," I said. She accepted the dollar back, put it up to her nose and sniffed it with all of her might. Just when I thought things couldn't get any stranger, she then crumpled the dollar - which had just been on my crotch, mind you - and put it in her mouth. And that's precisely when I decided it was time to take my Forrest Gump haircut home.