Why Groundhog Day Is a Sham

Before you wish any more people "Happy Groundhog Day", it's time you know what a bullshit holiday it is. And I don't mean that in just a "How can a groundhog predict the weather?" sort of way. I'd actually trust a rodent over some of the goofball meteorologists I see on local TV.

In February, groundhogs in cold regions are still hibernating hardcore. From October until March or April, groundhogs burrow themselves underground and significantly slow their heart and breathing rates. That is no light nap, so what the fuck does the groundhog care if there's six more weeks of winter? He was planning on hibernating that long anyway until his survival-based sleep schedule was interrupted by humans playing make-believe.

The whole tradition rests upon whether the groundhog sees his shadow. Is it sunny out? Can you see your own shadow? Then the groundhog will cast a shadow, too, it's that simple. The lore that the groundhog is "frightened" by the sight of his own shadow is pretty preposterous, too. Groundhogs are scared of dogs, bears, and - in that particularly crucial moment - camera crews and a crowd of nearly 18,000 people booing him for indicating additional weeks of winter. His shadow is the least of his concerns.

But here's the most important thing: the whole thing is a facade. You see, whether the groundhog sees his shadow is determined in advance by a group ominously known as the "Inner Circle". It's irrelevant whether the groundhog casts a shadow, let alone whether he sees it, because a group of old white men in top hats and tuxedos just make up what they feel like saying anyway.

They're rich dudes who have taken over an American tradition. And even with an event that I think most people recognize as being completely arbitrary, they still feel the need to wield their authority and fabricate the results. What's worse is that even with the rigging, they're still only right 39% of the time! They're better off flipping a coin.

Could this "Inner Circle" be any more representative of the 1%? Why are we celebrating lies and manipulation of the elite who prove to be unreliable? Why must they disrupt nature in the process? And how do we get 18,000 people to wake up before dawn and amass for something that actually matters?

Ugh. #OccupyGroundhogDay