Hollywood Celebrating Hollywood for Celebrating Hollywood

So how about them Oscars? It's like they borrowed a page out of The Help and served us a shit pie. I won't criticize it for being a trivial example of Hollywood celebrating Hollywood because that's what the ceremony is by design, but I will criticize it for being a trivial example of Hollywood celebrating Hollywood for celebrating Hollywood. How else can you explain five wins apiece for The Artist and Hugo? Both movies rely heavily on nostalgia for old cinema, practically heralding film pioneers as bigger than Jesus. Do audiences really need more movies about how amazing movies are? No, but filmmakers are going to continue making them to pander to the elderly Academy voters who love rewarding films that deify their life's work.

Movies do matter, but I'm much more convinced of this when a movie speaks to me, not just the Hollywood elite. Therefore I resent the "life is meaningless without movies; hug a filmmaker" thesis of Hugo. Also, The Artist is a gimmick; if that was the best silent film you've ever seen, you've never seen another silent film. I can give you a dozen other silent film screenplays just like it, also known as blank pages.

But whatever, if Hollywood wants to masturbate furiously at the thought of itself, so be it. I'll save my self-pleasuring for the slightest hint of Jennifer Lopez nipple, thank-you-very-much. (I did a little research to see what her nipples look like, and vote that it was in fact a nip.)

Things I was rooting for last night that didn't pan out: the white actress from The Help to win her category over Octavia (does this make me racist?), a Cirque du Soleil performer to fall from the sky and crush someone important, and Billy Crystal to not suck. That hosting was insufferable. Talk about out of touch. And Jonah Hill fat jokes? In the words of Ted, "You don't get to make fat jokes when your face looks like a thumb."

I'd also gripe about the presenters' banter, but we were saying some stupid things at our Oscar party.

Ted: What is Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory?
Me: It's a sequel of a sequel.
Ted: Thanks for explaining what "3" means.

Christopher Plummer wins
Jessica: You said that's the guy from The Sound of Music?
All: Yes.
Jessica: Wait... so now he's just older?

It seems strange having to explain the aging process to a biology teacher. Perhaps we can start with the song "16 Going on 17".

In better news, I beat my friends in our Oscar pool. Whooped them, in fact. My secret? Picking not one winner that I thought deserved it.

But it's not like there were no good movies this past year. I already sufficiently took a dump on the Best Picture nominees, so if I were to replace that list with a better one, it would go like this:

• Super 8
• 50/50
• Being Elmo
• Ides of March
• We Need to Talk about Kevin
• Moneyball
• The Skin I Live In
• Win Win
• Contagion
• Bridesmaids

Okay, now let's not talk about movies again for a good long while.