A Night at the Symphony

Andrew invited me to the symphony, and being the cultured guy that I am, I couldn't decline. While I tend to like classical music when I hear it, I don't generally take the time to listen to it. I like singing along to songs, and classical music is largely lyric-less; it's not classical composers' faults that they wrote music before singing was invented.

Off we went to the Hollywood Bowl, wine bottles in hand. The LA Philharmonic performed Mahler's Fifth. Truthfully, I don't know Mahler from Mozart, but he sounds like a composer I can trust. (I have my eye on you, Tchaikovsky.) I was a bit concerned that I wouldn't be able to follow the Fifth seeing as I hadn't heard Mahler's first four symphonies, but that didn't prove to be a problem.

Andrew actually conducted extensive research (by which I mean Wikipedia) on Mahler, who is one of his favorite composers, before the show. He found out that Mahler hemorrhaged and nearly died before writing his Fifth. At the same time, he was also falling for his soon-to-be-wife Alma. Since these were his inspirations for the music, I tried to listen for love and hemorrhaging during the symphony; I think I heard it, but it might have just been the french horn.

Andrew also learned that Alma was a hussy who had an affair with Mahler's architect, Gropius. Never trust your wife with a man named Gropius. Then Mahler died because of heartsickness (or perhaps hemorrhaging or the plague or whatever), and Alma married Gropius and they lived together in the house that he was building for Mahler. How I would like to hear the symphony inspired by all of that drama! I'm thinking fewer chimes, more tubas.

Although Allison had not researched Mahler, she did bring the puns. Not just quick puns, but long drawn out stories that somehow resulted in a punch line sounding like Mahler. (Think "Maul her" or "Mallard.") Also, each story inexplicably referenced the recession. Some of them were so painful, I'd rather have been hemorrhaging, frankly. Since she doesn't know when to leave bad enough alone, she sent me another one today:

Just the other day I read about this super successful business analyst known for saving struggling small businesses. This little mom and pop restaurant was having a hard time due to the recession, so they decided to enlist his services. Unfortunately the two parties had very different visions for the restaurant. The couple wanted to keep their food simple, sticking to the same small but delicious menu they'd had for years. The analyst kept trying to convince them to diversify their menu, offering a variety of foods similar to that found in the food court at the mall. Things really got heated one afternoon after the restaurant owners and analyst had the same fight not once, not twice, not even three or four times. The working relationship ended as the analyst walked out the door shouting, “You need to be more like a mall! Maller! For the FIFTH time MAHLER!”

At least my groans fell in harmony with the instruments.

I liked Mahler's music and am interested in hearing more of his work. That said, the best performance of the night was the twit behind me who butchered the National Anthem at the start of the night. If you are the only person in earshot who is singing, you should have a decent voice or, failing that, know the words. Then she had the nerve to blame her mistakes on the fact that she was following the conductor on the large screen and that there must be a tape delay. It was definitely the conductor that fooled her into singing "And the rockets' red glare" three different times. Right.

As a break from Mahler, a pair of xylophonists took center stage and started playing some song (I forget the exact title) in "A minor." They played for about a minute before announcing they were "just kidding" and would be playing something else instead. The crowd laughed because of course they wouldn't really play that joke of a song. It sounded fine to me. I guess I'm just the rube sitting in the nosebleed section who doesn't get the classical music humor. Maybe if they cracked wise about a "tromboner," I'd have gotten it.

I was all about the conductor. He just flailed about wildly the whole time. I think he was on meth. Surely, conductors are largely ornamental. There is no way the musicians can interpret those bizarre arm movements; I noticed the cellist trying to steal third base.

During the last movement, Andrew sneezed, and basically ruined the entire performance for everyone. I wouldn't have accepted his invitation if I had known he would just be such a rude dick. Mahler deserved better than that, Andrew.

All right, folks, keep it classy.