This time, as we entered the dining area, I saw a room scattered with seniors. Though this space is normally eerily quiet, the usual silence was disrupted by a pair of diminutive elderly women shouting at one another.
"SHE DOESN'T ACT LIKE A WOMAN SHOULD. YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T DO THINGS A NORMAL WOMAN SHOULD. THAT'S WHY SHE NEVER MADE ANY FRIENDS. THAT'S WHY SHE'S ALONE AT HER AGE."
I had even taken my seat, and I was already stifling laughter. There's nothing like an aged, loud, judgmental voice lecturing about societal roles and the consequences of not rigidly adhering to it. I had missed the parts of the conversation leading up to this point, but I knew I would have enjoyed it.
As we ordered our meal, their shouting continued and was distracting by virtue of being so loud. Even if they had not been so noisy, I would have found it distracting since I would have been trying to eavesdrop. These two were so unintentionally, they could have been a comedy duo.
According to my grandparents, they came to the restaurant frequently. Charlotte was hard of hearing, so her friend Doris* would shout everything at her, prompting Charlotte to shout right back. Doris did most of the talking, and every time Charlotte piped up, Doris made it her mission to make Charlotte feel stupid.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT, CHARLOTTE? THE OLYMPICS."
"OH, RIGHT."
"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, THEY'RE ON EVERY CHANNEL."
"BILL AND PATTY ARE BIG FANS OF THE OLYMPICS."
"WELL I HATE 'EM. I'M SICK OF HAVING TO WATCH IT. AND THEY ONLY JUST STARTED."
"THE OTHER THING THAT'S ALWAYS ON THE TELEVISION IS THAT POLITICAL AFFAIR."
"WHAT WAS HIS NAME?"
"JOHN EDWARDS."
"I NEVER CARED FOR HIM. I KNEW IT."
"IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS. I'M SURPRISED."
"WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED? THAT'S WHAT POLITICIANS DO. THEY'RE ALL PHILANDERING. THAT'S NOT NEWS, THEY ALL DO IT."
"AND HE HAS THAT SICK WIFE."
"SHE'S GOT TO DROP HIM. THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO WITH A PHILANDERING HUSBAND EXCEPT GET RID OF HIM."
"SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T."
"YOU HAVE TO, CHARLOTTE. I HAD A PHILANDERING HUSBAND ONCE, AND I GOT RID OF HIM. THERE'S NO OTHER WAY, THEY'LL JUST KEEP PHILANDERING."
I twitched with glee at each shout of "philandering husband." They had their meals cleared, but I didn't want it to end. Fortunately, they were interested in having desert. Doris ordered a slice of pie, while Charlotte requested ice cream, a move that met Doris's ire.
"ICE CREAM? DON'T YOU KEEP ICE CREAM IN YOUR FRIDGE AT HOME, CHARLOTTE? WHY WOULD YOU ORDER ICE CREAM?"
"I FEEL LIKE ICE CREAM."
"YOU CAN EAT THAT ANYTIME. IT KEEPS IN THE FRIDGE. YOU SHOULD ORDER SOMETHING ELSE."
"WELL, I WANT IT."
"GOD, CHARLOTTE, JUST GET SOME FOR YOUR FRIDGE."
Personally, I keep my ice cream in the freezer, but I think Doris is probably the type of person who keeps it in her fridge, then screams at it once it has melted. The
"AT THIS AGE, EVERYTHING FALLS APART, CHARLOTTE."
"I KNOW, AND IT'S SO EXPENSIVE."
"YOU SHOULD PAY FOR WHATEVER THEY TELL YOU TO, IT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT."
"I DO..."
"GOD, CHARLOTTE, IT'S JUST A BANK ACCOUNT. IT MEANS NOTHING ONCE YOU'RE DEAD."
"RIGHT..."
"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO!"
Wise words from the shouter. Meanwhile, my grandparent was trying to ask me about my future plans, but I had trouble holding a conversation while the following occurred:
"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM."
"WHAT?"
"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, BUT I CAN'T DECIDE. I CAN GO HERE, OR I CAN GO AT HOME. EITHER WAY, IT'S GONNA COME OUT."
Of course, I'm laughing, and have to apologize twice for not being able to follow the conversation in which I'm supposedly participating. Just when I thought Doris forgot about nature calling, the issue must have become more pressing.
"I GUESS I SHOULD GO TO THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU'RE HERE SO YOU CAN WATCH MY PURSE."
"OKAY."
Doris makes her way toward the back of the dining room looking for the restroom. She appears a bit lost, so she excuses herself to the people at the table in the back.
"I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM."
Undoubtedly, these folks heard her intentions during her earlier proclamations, but I'm sure they appreciated the personalized explanation. Then, Doris disappeared behind the curtain in search of the restroom. We could no longer see Doris, but we could still hear her.
"OH! IT'S DARK BACK HERE!"
I bet she wishes she waited until getting home. Once she returned to the table, the pair squabbled over plans for later in the afternoon. Doris wanted to see a performance in Kingston, but Charlotte wasn't interested.
"YOU SHOULD COME, CHARLOTTE."
"I DON'T WANT TO."
"OH, COME ON. WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT TO DO?"
Ah, Doris pulled the ultimate senior citizen trump card. It goes without saying that Charlotte doesn't have conflicting plans.
'"I DON'T WANT TO GO."
"WHY NOT?"
"I DON'T WANT TO SIT THERE ALL DAY."
"YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SIT SOMEWHERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL SIT THERE."
"I'M NOT GOING TO SIT."
"IT'S RAINING. WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO WALK AROUND ALL DAY? IF YOU DON'T SIT IN KINGSTON, YOU'LL JUST BE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TV AT HOME."
"I WON'T LIKE IT."
"YOU'VE NEVER BEEN. HOW CAN YOU KNOW YOU WON'T LIKE IT UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN?"
"I'M NOT GOING."
"YOU CAN'T DECIDE YOU DON'T LIKE SOMETHING WHEN YOU'VE NEVER TRIED IT."
Doris's words were potentially sage and definitely loud, but I hardly blamed Charlotte as I suspect she just had her fill of her companion for the day. The server returned to the table with the check and, in an act of honesty, explained that they had significantly overpaid their bill.
"OH MY!"
The pair began readying themselves to return to their car. While Charlotte bundled herself to combat the downpour, Doris did what she does best: responded critically.
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, CHARLOTTE, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MELT! GOD!"
At that point, they (slowly) walked out of my life, but I wanted to get up and follow them, even in the rain, in order to transcribe their hilarious discussions. These women were pure gold. Forgive my Olympic allusion, Doris.
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