Kevin Is Sayin

A while back, Facebook added a function called "Status" on which people can put a brief message about what they're "currently up to" in order to inform their friends. Rather than stating the obvious ("Kevin is procrastinating on Facebook"), most people share a random detail from their lives to brag, joke, or call attention to themselves. For most people, a status change once or twice a week is sufficient. For others, a few times a week gets the job done. For "Rita," updating it every few minutes seems the way to go.

I attended elementary school with Rita, going all the way through high school with her. It's probably worth noting that we haven't spoken since elementary school, so I was surprised recently when Rita requested to be my "friend" on the social networking site. Feeling indifferent to the request, I accepted the friendship and figured I wouldn't give it a second thought.

As it turns out, in the following days, I learned more about Rita than I ever thought I'd know. She changed her status regularly to let me and her hundreds of other "friends" know that she was experiencing some kind of ordeal with realtime updates.

As a blogger with a tendency to over-share, I'm not really in a position to criticize someone for posting eir personal business on the internet, but I'll take any accusations of hypocrisy to state that I think informing one's not-so-nearest-and-dearest of petty shit is crazy. What follows is a transcription of what appeared on Facebook:

8/11
5:17 pm Rita so happy that she got her shit together and don't got time for all the high school drama.
5:20 pm Rita is loving her new phone.
5:21 pm Rita is so over all the drama and thinking people should stop lyin on her.
6:48 pm Rita is sayin its funny what bitches would do to get my attention lmao.
8:48 pm Rita is sayin can't wait for tomorrow and me and my babys trip to trinidad.
8:55 pm Rita rita is sayin im goin to put it out there if people that has known me for 8years would think I would go out my way to pretend to be someone else to write some shit on a page wow if I ever did think that I would let ppl know I got my own shit to deal wit so come on now think what u want cause certain ppl say shit and that's word on my daughter.
9:00 pm Rita is sayin word on her daughter that I had nothing to do wit ANY of that and trust the ppl that did it will be caught out emails can be traced remember everything that is done in the dark will come to the light.

8/12
8:29 am Rita is sayin she will miss her babies while she's at work.
6:00 pm Rita is sayin true friends remains true to u no matter what the situation is.

8/13
10:07 am Rita is at work excited to see my babys new car.
12:42 pm Rita is missin her harry wishing she didn't have a cold.
3:41 pm Rita rita can't wait to get out of work.
5:27 pm Rita wow this is funny.
5:35 pm Rita is saying to much cimpe.
5:37 pm Rita is saying ppl wanna act like they r to good for ppl now that htey all cool its all good lmao.
6:17 pm Rita is sayin regardless of everything that is goin on im happy for my health and my babygirl and my baby and our family.
8:02 pm Rita is sayin stop bein a stupid little dumb bitch and if you got shit to say to me come at me dumb bitch u do all that shit for attention call my phone.
8:23 pm Rita is sayin this bitch got me so mad if it was me show me some proof come at me like a real women not sum dumb chicken head bitch.
8:29 pm Rita is thinkin if this dumb bitch don't shtu the fick up stop kissin ass to be friends wit ppl that all u do is talk shit about come at me bitch.
8:30 pm Rita is thinkin id this dumb bitch don't shut the fuck up and stop kissin ass to be friends wit ppl when all u do is talk shit about come at me bitch wit proof.
8:35 pm Rita is sayin to that dumb young bitch keep my muthafuckin name outta ur mouth and stop lyin on me so u can have friends if u got shit on me come at me grow up bitch.

8/14
2:46 pm Rita is at work thinking about how immature this bitch really is.
4:18 pm Rita is sayin I haven't forgotten about you that was a nice message don't worry I got u.
4:52 pm Rita is ayin fuck that u on my side fuck that fake bitch she saty talkin shit.
6:35 pm Rita is sayin I was outta it until somebody brought me in it I didn't have nuttin to do wit it until I got lied on.
7:02 pm Rita your bitch wanna see me tell her to come see me tonight.
10:29 pm Rita is sayin she is don't she got everything off her chest now she gonna let her man handle it peace out ppls.
10:30 pm Rita is saying she is done with all the drama now she gonna let her man hanlde it peace out no more status changes or messages im out.

It's kind of vague to follow exactly what's going on, but Kevin is sayin that he finds this all amusing for all of the wrong reasons. Kevin is not considering renewing a friendship with Rita. Also, Kevin is quite glad that his life is boring and lacks any reports of this variety to share with y'all.