For the past two years, my friends and I have participated in the local 4th of July parade as the Claremont Grammarians, a fictitious organization that advocates correct grammar usage. Truthfully, it's more about being a public spectacle than a legitimate form of education, but we're not opposed to teaching folks along the way. Although our efforts in 2006 and 2007 were remarkable, I'd argue that this year we were funnier and (accidentally -- you'll see why) more offensive than ever!
Leading up to this parade, our members considered changing the grammar theme to something new. The concern was that we had gone as far as we could go with grammar. Amazingly, however, I have such creative, witty friends that the humor quotient has increased exponentially each year. I was legitimately in awe of the puns developed during our brainstorming session.
Jacob spoofed the embarrassing, commonly-quoted America won't back down war stance "These colors don't run" by adding a grammar twist: "These colors don't run-on sentences." He also brilliantly coined "Emoticon use is punctuation abuse!" : ) I'm fully behind this one: colons and parentheses have more important uses than making smiley faces.
Terri contributed a couple of new amazing ones. I have difficulty choosing a favorite between eir politicized "Activists against the passive voice" and eir swipe at text-message shorthand, "'LOL' is not a laughing matter."
Cecilia invented "HOMONYMS OUR/ARE NOT/KNOT DOPPELGANGERS." Then we collaborated on find a pun for hypertext, ultimately settling on, "LAY OFF THE CAFFEINE, HYPERTEXT." Jacob worked on some illustrations to correspond with this sign, including a coffee pot with arms, legs, and a face. We worried that its likeness to the Kool-Aid Man might, although unintentionally, somehow be construed as offensive racial humor, so it promptly received a good old Grammarian edit.
Kat worked tirelessly on a sign commending our celebrity endorsers.
In addition to creating signs, Allison and Jessica led us in Red, White Trash, and Blue rituals, including downing beers in red, white, and blue cans to tie to the back of the truck.
Additionally, we brought out old favorites like "Fragments Fragment Families," "Don't Use Contractions," "Comparisons Are as Bad as Terrorists," and "Double Negatives Are for Pessimists." On Independence Day, it's important to honor the forefathers.
While we were setting up our truck, an aggressive activist approached us to discuss our group's mission. Having seen our signs and heard our chants, he seemed excited that we were championing a cause. Once he realized we were promoting grammar, however, he became immediately dismissive. "I thought you actually stood for something," he said. Cecilia was adamant in defending our position, but our new nemesis treated us with contempt for not doing anything that really mattered as he saw it. At least we were promoting something! Was he going to hassle the cheerleaders for not taking a stance against the war, too?
If you ask me, this guy had us all wrong. As one of our chants says, "Punctuation is Patriotic." We also had some politicized signs.
Spreading the word of grammar is not easy. In addition to confrontational locals, we had to fight the elements, like the heat. Before the parade started, Celeste fainted. Don't worry, she didn't slip into a comma. In fact, she was a trooper and pushed on. (Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.)
Yet again, the crowd had mixed reactions. Most people looked at us like we were crazy, which certainly isn't entirely wrong. Some laughed with us, others laughed at us. Others still commended us on our promotion of proper grammar. One drunken group of older people was particularly baffled by/smitten with us and provided some new ideas like "God Bless Grammerica," which actually became our theme song. We sang it in between our chants, including one of my favorites that Cecilia created: "You are able! Use 'may' instead of 'can.'"
The float in front of was one of a dozen church organizations, but it must have been divine intervention that put this particular church so close to the Grammarians. Their banner read, "Never place a period where God has placed a comma. God is still speaking." Naturally, the Grammarians support a pious punctuation proclamation!
We had some other notable interactions with other parade units. As usual, there was mutual adoration between the Grammarians and the senior homes. We heckled the "Claremont Irregulars" (I couldn't tell you who they were or what they do) for stealing our period joke and sent even more ire to the ambitious Red, White & Blue float for neglecting to use an Oxford comma.
When we rode past the judges table, the announcer butchered our prepared statement. It was something along the lines of "The Claremont Grammarians are comma-ing back at you with their message of good grammar and proper punctuation. This year, the Grammarians are more hyphen-omenal than ever and would like to win an apos-trophy." Each pun was slaughtered and indecipherable to the crowd. I had made it a point to explain in footnotes how those puns should be pronounced, but clearly that work was in vain. Evidently, the Claremont Grammarians need to reconsider their mission; how can we nitpick about grammar when basic literacy is still an issue?
According to Cecilia's friend sitting in the crowd, the judges made disparaging sighs as we approached, sounds which the microphones picked up and revealed their bias toward us. It makes sense, I suppose. Claremont is a traditional town with fairly traditional values. The parade is comprised mainly of retirement communities, soccer teams, school bands, and town council members. In other words, it's dry. The Claremont Grammarians are one of a handful of groups that add some spunk and flare, and I know that a good portion of the crowd enjoys our presence, even if some snootier people are annoyed by us. I'd argue that it's almost more worthwhile to participate because of the haters. The Grammarians can certainly out-stickler the stodgy town officials.
Midway through the route, we encountered an eager grammar fan in the crowd. "Do you remember me?!" she shouted. I recognized her immediately -- it was Comma Momma! Last year, she was the one cheerleader that marched behind us that treated us with respect and adoration, confessing she had once dressed as "Comma Momma" for Halloween. Comma Momma has become a bit of a myth amongst our friend circle, this tiny grammar miracle in a sea of superficial cheerleaders. Seeing her again was a most pleasant surprise, so we encouraged her to hop on our float, to which she complied. Immediately, Comma Momma fit in; unanimously, we loved her.
Overall, it was a great time. We interacted with the crowd well, regardless of whether they were receptive to us. I must say, the parade-goers did seem a bit less knowledgeable than past crowds, though. When we asked them what their favorite part of speech was, someone responded, "Semi-colon." Yeah, that's not a part of speech. When we asked them what their favorite adverb was, they didn't respond, even after we hinted that they often end in the letters "LY." Someone did heckle us well, shouting that our "participle was dangling." Why didn't we think of that?
The best grammar joke of all, however, was unintentional and not discovered until after we returned home. I had made a slightly inappropriate period-themed sign, "Periods are more than monthly" and stuck it on the truck. During the parade, it's typical for punk kids to shoot us with their oversized water guns; it's safe to assume grammar is not their favorite subject. Evidently, the water caused the ink on the sign to run violently, turning this somewhat inappropriate joke into a largely inappropriate joke.
Check out that bloody period! We were retroactively embarrassed after not recognizing this offensive atrocity until after we had paraded it around the town. As Grammarians, we're not afraid to mark up a page with red ink, but we do it with the intention of correcting, not disturbing. It appears as though we might have finally given the town a reason not to allow us back next year. Fear not, for as long citizens misuse "to" "too" and "two," the Grammarians will persist, with or without the recognition of an apos-trophy.
See more pictures from the parade here!
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