Four-Leaf Clovers

In Vermont, I found two four-leaf clovers. That’s eight leaves, or twice the luck, or so the lore goes. It’s obviously just a superstition, since four-leaf clovers are hardly lucky. In fact, they’re more likely to die than their three-leaf counterparts. When a human comes along, it has no interest in the three-leaf variety, but gleefully plucks the four-er out of the ground. Spin it how you want, but that’s an act of murder, perhaps even a hate crime seeing as it was committed because the victim was different than most. This reason is actually one of my reservations toward vegetarianism: just because broccoli doesn’t scream when you pick it doesn’t mean it’s not dying.

Technically, on clovers, the fourth leaf is a mutation. Since when is that looked upon favorably by society? If I had a third ear, I’d probably hear better, but would it be worth it just to make out the otherwise inaudible whispers of “freak.” When my cousin was born with two thumbs on each hand (true story), the doctors didn’t waste too much time surgically removing the extra digits. Looking back, this decision is actually peculiar considering that the only things that set us apart from many species are opposable thumbs. Maybe evolution was starting to afford humans with a second set to maintain their dominance before the orangutans revolt. Amputating my cousin might have removed eir superpowers for all we know.

Next time I see a four-leaf clover, I’m not going to pick it. Perhaps if I show it mercy, it’ll bestow legitimate luck on me for sparing its life. Plus, maybe the combined extra oxygen creating power of the fourth leaves worldwide are enough to offset a Hummer’s emissions for the day. Moreover, it’s possible that the fourth leaf is a sign of evolution; rather than annihilating them, if we let them flourish, they might go on to have five leaves, six leaves, seven leaves, with that seventh leaf being an herbal cure for cancer. Or, you know, you could be selfish and enable cancer.

In my opinion, four-leaf clovers are the best green mutants since Ninja Turtles.

Download/stream: Abra Moore - Four Leaf Clover