Waiting for the Answers

On our coffee table, an old issue of Glamour magazine sits; no one will own up to how it got there, so it persists in its lounging, frequently serving as a coaster and leafed through even less frequently. I stare at it often, though: In particular, I'm drawn to the cover featuring the headline "Your Top 10 Sex Questions Answered at Last!" Finally! I've been waiting for these answers forever. I actually have fourteen pressing sex questions, but I'm a reasonable person, so I'll settle for the top ten. These magazines fascinate me in the ways they try to repackage the same hackneyed sex articles. "Amazing Sex Secrets Revealed!" You mean there have been secrets about sex for all of these years (read: the beginning of humankind) and people have managed to stay mum until its big reveal in a magazine with Selma Hayek on the cover for sale next to TV Guide in the grocery check out aisle? Is there some hidden hole on our bodies that we don't realize we can penetrate?

Recently, Laura picked up the magazine and dared to do something that I never much considered doing: she opened the magazine to the "Sex Questions Answered" article. Even more mysteriously than how the magazine appeared in the house in the first place, the pages that contained the highly regarded Answers were torn out. GAH! Again, no one will cop to doing it. Who is depriving us of new sexual knowledge? Now more than ever I want to see this article. As I see it, if they've been torn out, those answers must be good; they must contain some mind-blowing secrets that will change the way people have sex forever. Well, certain people anyway. If you should have a sexual encounter with someone who whips out some hot, innovative sex moves, let me know, because I think we'll find our article-swindling culprit.