Caught with My Pants Down

I've having bathroom problems at work. Before you quickly close your browser, I promise that this post is not about diarrhea.

For the first few days, I had to use the student bathroom. Naturally, this situation was unacceptable as I am "better than" the students, plus I get remarkable stage fright when next to someone at the urinal. Fortunately, an empty office located near my classroom has been unlocked for the staff's benefit. The empty office features both a men and women's restroom, which are completely identical aside from the sign on the door. Twice now when I've found the men's bathroom occupied, I've decided to take the liberty of using the women's restroom. Both times I have done so, however, I've been caught. The first time, I made a quick apology and excuse to the woman waiting outside to use the toilet. The second time, thinking no one was in the vicinity, I sang and talked aloud to myself while pooping. Emerging from the restroom, a woman standing just feet away from the door, probably embarrassed on my behalf, avoided eye contact with me. Oh, like she doesn't sing while she's taking a crap when she thinks she's alone.

Today took the cake, however. I used the men's room, as it was unoccupied, but I somehow managed to forget to lock the door behind me. (In truth, I suppose I almost never actually lock the door.) While in the wiping phase, another teacher I know only by recognition walked in on me. In that quick "AAHHH" moment, he saw both my penis and my dirty ass. We both apologize profusely as we try to remedy the situation. Unfortunately, it can't really be remedied.

He quickly closed the door and I had not intention of opening it again anytime soon. Firstly, I dreaded the awkward second exchange that would have to happen, and was not ready to emerge. Secondly, he probably got a better view of how dirty my butt hole was and, in case it was quite a mess, I wanted to make sure he would believe I cleaned up properly. Thirdly, I needed to exaggerate the time I took to wash my hands, including lots of loud scrubbing sound effects. Once I felt strong and prepared enough to take my exit, I opened the door and winced in anticipation. Alas, I discovered he was not there. Where did he go? I wondered. That's when I heard him -- humming in the women's restroom.