... But that I did anyway.
1. Walk away.
Okay, I wasn't intentionally trying to be rude, but she said she had big news to tell us, and as she started sharing, someone called me to grab something from him twenty feet away so I went to retrieve it. By the time I got back, the others were hugging her, so I had to whisper, "Wait, what did she say?"
2. "Have you thought about how this is going to affect our friendship?"
Seriously though, we've developed a nice bond over the past two years, and a baby is totally going to have an impact on this dynamic. Did she even think about that? I never got a straight answer to that query.
3. "So, do you need a ride to the clinic?"
I don't know, it just seemed a little presumptuous to assume that just because she's 30, been married for several years, has previously expressed an interest in starting a family, and shared the fact that she was pregnant with us as good news that she had a desire to keep the fetus.
4. "You are such a liar!"
She had abruptly stopped drinking a few months ago and my friends and I made pregnancy jokes immediately. At the time, she blamed it on a new medication she was on, but my suspicions persisted anyway. When I referenced her previous fibbing, she said we should never expect a woman to discuss that issue that early in the pregnancy, so I just called her a liar even louder.
5. "Come on, you're drinking for two now."
She had met us at the bar to be social despite having no intentions to drink, but I peer pressured her to booze it up anyway. I also laughed a little too hard when she - without looking - accidentally picked up Jared's beer assuming it was her water and came really close to drinking it. Later, scantily clad "Jameson girls" came around offering free shots, but she told them she was pregnant and wouldn't even grab an extra shot to give to the rest of us. I said to one Jameson girl, "Even babies like Jameson, right?" and she was like, "Yeah… wait…"
6. "Do you really think it's responsible to bring a new life into Obama's America?"
It's something to consider, anyway.
7. "Oh, I don't even think I said, 'Congratulations' yet… Uh, congratulations."
I probably should have said this before all of those other things. But, like, babies, man. What is she thinking?
I am so not going to be chosen as the baby's godparent.