I'm Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

My body sure has taken a beating the past week and a half.

First, I got violent food poisoning from an undercooked sausage and spewed in my hallway. I was surrounded by people who were so drunk that they should have been upchucking themselves, but here I was - the sober guy - the only one who got to that point because I don't know how to barbecue properly.

Second, I got an unrelated stomach bug a few days later. With a fever and upset stomach, I consumed Saltines and Ginger Ale almost exclusively for the next few days until…

Third, I participated in an Olive Garden Never Ending Pasta Bowl challenge. Some may say I had an advantage by starving myself for days before an eating competition, but I think I actually just managed to shrink my stomach before I needed to be larger. A lengthier post on the competition is forthcoming, but suffice it to say, I had a stomach ache afterwards. As if I 

Fourth, I developed a sore throat. As if I haven't been sick enough. I bought some medicine to try to shake it early, then a friend gave me a prescription mouth rinse that numbs the throat to ease the pain. "Is this for blow jobs?" I asked suspiciously. When I gargled it, I just managed to numb my mouth and tongue instead of my throat because I wasn't able to figure out how to gargle the solution deep enough without swallowing it. When I explained my predicament to my friend, she said, "You just have to… just kind of put it back there… you know, maybe this is a blow job thing."

The worst part of it all is that I want to blame my cruddy immune system, but I realize that half of these health issues were caused by my own stupidity. I want to blame intangibles, not myself!