"She has such a classically Russian face. She looks exactly like one of those tiny teen girls in the barely legal Russian porns. Not that I've seen those or anything. Except, wait, she's probably not even barely legal, right? Oh that's wrong. I better Google Russia's age of consent. Oh god, the FBI's going to show up any second now… Oh, okay, it's sixteen. Game on! And hey, until 2002, the age of consent was just fourteen. Quick, I need a passport and a time machine!"
- My not even remotely serious babbling monologue to my roommate during tonight's gymnastics.
Really, though, 14?! Ick, ick, ick. In America, there are statutory rape laws. In Soviet Russia, law rape YOU!