I'm Too Neurotic to Play the Lottery

I don't ever play the lottery, save for a handful of scratch-offs I've been gifted over the years. The fact is that I am a cheap man with inexpensive tastes, so the lottery doesn't have much of an allure. Still, when the MegaMillions jackpot reached $350 million yesterday, I couldn't resist buying a ticket.

Here I am: underemployed, underinsured, and underwhelmed. Frankly, I could use $350,000,000 in my life. Rather than hoping someone hires me, I could create my own job opportunities: start a business, a publication, and a charitable foundation to correspond with my passions. I could also employ many of my brilliant and talented friends, allowing us to use our under-appreciated attributes for good. Just imagine what we could get out of life with that sort of bankroll.

As the number drawing drew closer, however, I started freaking out. What if I lacked all motivation once I got all that money? What if my friends resented my windfall even if I did try to include them? What if the money changed me for the worse? What if I didn't get to shop at thrift stores and buy discounted dented cans anymore?

I really didn't like the though of having $350 million anymore, so I resolved that I would just have to immediately give it all to charities because I was scared of actually having it. But what if people thought I was grandstanding by giving it away? And what if I ended up getting cancer and not having insurance or one of my friends was in need or I never get hired for anything ever again? Wouldn't I feel like an ass for not having that money?

At the time of the drawing, I actively rooted against my numbers being called, because I couldn't bear the thought of winning and having to make tough decisions. Fortunately, with only one number matching, this was all much ado about nothing, but I think it's safe to say that I won't be playing the lottery again anytime soon.