Comfort Wipe

Oops, it looks like I wrote my Five Favorite Infomercials post prematurely. Just months later comes a new strong contender: The Comfort Wipe.

Let's face it: even the best wipers among us slip up from time to time and get crap on our hands. Then once we've quite literally done a number on ourselves, we have to, like, actually wash our hands rather than just pretending to do so. It's annoying! Surely there must be a better way. (And don't you dare suggest using a bidet or you are clearly a homosexual.)

Fortunately, some genius with a squeaky clean anus invented the Comfort Wipe. It's my birthday tomorrow is all I'm saying...

Thoughts:

• "The first improvement to toilet paper, as we know it, since the 1880s." Wait, what happened in 1880? I genuinely want to know.


• Comfort Wipe may be as easy to use as a shower brush, but make sure not to mix them up or you'll have shit on your back.


• It's not the toilet paper that's disgusting, it's the poop. Find a way to eliminate that and I'll personally invest.


• I wish that the self-proclaimed "big guy" would expand on what the supposed advantages of his girth are. Funny that his arms can't seem to reach his ass but have no trouble reaching his mouth.


• If that old lady is getting someone to wipe her ass for her, I hope she comes to recognize it as fortunate rather than shameful. That sounds pretty romantic to me.


• How is it possible to claim to have "dignity" while appearing in this commercial?


• If your motor skills prevent you from wiping well, why would you be any better at controlling a stick? What's to stop you from accidentally sodomizing yourself?


• There's no way that stick won't acquire bacteria and fecal matter after each use. Sounds hygienic to me.


• The complimentary Grip-a-dee-do for getting out of the tub is pretty worthless. I'd just use the Comfort Wipe as a cane to prop myself back up.

On a personal note, I don't wipe my ass as it is. If God put hair around my butthole, clearly he meant for feces to get stuck there during its escape. Sometimes, however, I'll have my manservant, Herbert, do it for me. I'd consider purchasing the Comfort Wipe for Herbert, more out of concern for my own sanitation than his -- I don't know where those grubby hands have been before rubbing off my dingleberries.

Video found via Best Week Ever