Mark Sanford: A Foreign Affair

Since I perversely enjoy the antics of crazy politicians, I've been following the Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, for a few months now. Sanford first hit the national news when he was one of a handful of governors threatening to not accept federal stimulus money earmarked for helping their states. Sarah Palin was another such governor, but she dropped the issue for more "legitimate" press by insisting that David Letterman shouldn't make "rape" jokes about her daughter, presumably since her daughter would have to pay for her own rape kit, and that is no laughing matter. Sanford, however, stood by his stance... or he did until the last minute where he buckled and accepted the federal funds. At that point, his actions were confusing, but now it makes sense: when you're cheating on your spouse, you like to pretend you have principles and integrity, even if they're phony.

And boy did I get excited again last week when Sanford appeared (or disappeared as the case may be) in the media again since he had gone missing and even his staff had no clue as to his whereabouts. It's pretty irresponsible and unheard of for a state's leader to just vanish without warning. Even better was that no reporters or officials ever indicated that Sanford was in danger, but, without saying it explicitly, implied that he was crazy.

Why is he crazy? Apparently, even as a millionaire, Sanford's frugality puts mine to shame and he does strange things like dig holes "to unwind." While digging seems like a fairly harmless activity, it did become a problem when a young black girl entered his property and fell into a pit and died. Whoops? According to the previously linked article, in addition to digging holes, Sanford also likes to build coffins, so at least he could be of use. And be crazy.

Sanford's wife finally told reporters that while she didn't know where he was, he was "writing something and wanted some space to get away from the kids." Sounds feasible -- everyone likes to write their Battlestar Galactica fan-fiction in peace. Later, however, Sanford's staff announced that he had actually gone hiking on the Appalachian Trail. The Appalachian Trail is like the Oregon Trail, but with less cholera.

Since hiking the Appalachian Trail made no sense, it actually made sense in a way. What's a loony thing to do? Throw responsibility aside and go for a secretive long walk in the woods. I've never met someone with a walking stick who's not at least a bit off eir rocker.

While I daydreamed of the on the lam governor walking with a bag of trail mix in one hand and binoculars in the other, news broke that, actually, Sanford was in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The Appalachian Trail is long, but not intercontinental. As Sanford's whereabouts got more confusing, the story gets more amusing. Why the mystery? When I heard Sanford would hold a press conference this afternoon, I made sure to plunk myself in front of a cable news network and watch the shit show go down.



Sanford talks about his love for the Appalachian Trail for a few minutes before apologizing to everyone he can think to apologize to before even explaining what exactly it is he has to apologize for. He then nonsensically babbles about God, religion, and sin, and we still have no idea where he's going. Not until about eight minutes in does he finally quit stalling and admit he's been unfaithful to his wife. At first, he says he has been cheating with a gender-neutral "friend," so I assume it's a gay affair, because he's a Republican, and that's what Republicans do, but I guess it's a lady after all, which is fairly boring and typical. Can you just be crazy instead and yammer about the Appalachian Trail again and how it was reasonable for your staff to think you were there since you were considering going there until an apparent last minute change of heart where you flew to South America to get laid instead? Yeah? Good. Thanks.

Sanford joins the ranks of Bill Clinton, John Ensign, Larry Craig, Eliot Spitzer, amd John Edwards, to name a few, as politicians who commit adultery. Even John McCain admitted to having affairs while married to his first wife, Carol, but she had been disfigured in a car accident, so I think even the Bible says that's okay. Frankly, I'd rather ignore their personal lives, but it's hard to dismiss them when many of these same politicians quote scripture and push legislation based upon some higher morality that they don't even begin to live up to. Also, don't go banging your mistresses on the taxpayers dime. That doesn't sit well.

Anyway, Sanford wants you to know that he's really sorry, even though he doesn't really commit to whether he'll try to reunite with his wife or continue flying to Buenos Aires for sexy fun times with his friend. He swears that he spent the last five days in Argentina "crying," which is an awkward way to admit that he cries during sex. Plus, you know his wife is all like, "Bitch, Don't Cry For Me In Argentina." I like that she didn't show up to this press conference and sing "Stand By Your Man" like so many other jilted political spouses before, most notably the wife of New Jersey's former gay governor, Jim McGreevey. He tells the world that he's gay and cheating and his wife just beams behind him the whole time as if she's receiving good news. Like, come on, no one's going to blame you for slapping him and storming off.

Sanford's actions break my heart, especially coming just two days after Jon and Kate announced their own divorce. Is marriage even sacred anymore? I blame the homosexuals. And the slutty Argentineans. And having too many children - now there's an argument for population control. I'm tempted to also blame cheating spouses, but that'd be unfair.

In the meantime, I'm going to go hike the Applachian Trail. Take that to mean what you will.