Sunday Basketball was as lackadaisical as it’s ever been. With the temperature at 94 degrees, no one was up for running around so we played an unenthusiastic game of Around the World while running off to the shade when it wasn’t our turn until someone pointed out that the community adult spelling bee was currently underway. Though I don’t spell well – better than you’re average person, I reckon, but I’m not good with difficult spelling bee words, I still was interested in participating until I learned that there was a $300 entry fee. I was appalled at the price – how typical for my elitist town to hold an even inaccessible to its lower class citizens. With this fact in mind, Amy, Ted, Terri, and I elected to abandon basketball and crash the spelling contest. We ran in single file in our basketball shorts, chanting the letters B-E-E. This competition wouldn’t know what hit it.
When we arrived, we did not cause any mayhem, however, as the event seemed genuinely fun. Rather than having people compete individually, contestants were lumped in teams of three with gimmicks like school principals, Rotarians, city council members, sports coaches, residents of retirement homes, members of the school board, downtown store owners, college presidents, and clergy. Furthermore, they were dressed up in funny costumes as if they were on Let’s Make a Deal. These people were as close to celebrities as the town gets, so it was a compelling cast of characters to watch rack their respective brains. And they were good! Shoot, they could spell words I’ve never heard of, let alone know how to spell. I only wish the cost of entry were cheaper so that other core demographics of the town that are often ignored could participate as well: college students, residents of the wrong-side-of-the-tracks, and the homeless.
The audience was packed; most competing teams had its own cheering section, particularly the old folk homes, which were so bleeping cute. The only people silent throughout the competition were the middle school cheerleaders, supposedly on hand to keep the audience pumped. It’s clear that each and every word went straight over their heads, creepily adorned with gross hair extensions. Despite it being part of their job description, cheerleaders cannot spell. The only time I saw them excited was during their performance of “YMCA,” a brilliant song choice given the event.
I was pulling for the team representing the local cemetery, its members were ancient, with one foot in the grave, you might say. I decided to do a spelling chant for them on their turn: “R-I-P!” Even though my intent was to be witty and supportive rather than offensive, my friends found it appalling. The cemetery team proceeded to be eliminated that round and I felt it inappropriate to reprise my cheer given the circumstance. After that, I threw my support behind the two retirement communities, both of which did quite well until the last round. My favorite audience member, however, was Terri, who instantly became a dork when she charted the Bee’s progression in her program, noting who was eliminated when and on what word. In this case, being a nerd and being awesome are synonymous.
Here’s my gripe about spelling bees: it’s too dependent on luck. Since some words are far easier than others, it often comes down to which team got which word, not who spelled better. Also, there was a frequent issue of pronunciation and mishearing. In what was clearly the result of auditory issues, a team would spell a different word or have it start with a letter it clearly shouldn’t have. I, too, found myself mishearing words and trying to spell a word that was not what the word ended up being. In truth, most words should come down to a game of vowels. Those are the letters that most easily could be transposed or confused when trying to spell, not consonants.
In the end, the team representing a domestic abuse crisis center took home the top prize. Rather than thinking up a clearly tasteless joke for this occasion and then agonize over whether to include it, I'm going to halt that line of thought and instead wish them a sincere congradulations.
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