Christmas Shoes

If you asked me a week ago what my favorite Christmas song from the last few years is, without hesitation I would respond Heidi Klum's "Wonderland." Now, however, I found something that might rival that tune in ridiculousness, also known as greatness.

I first caught the end of "Christmas Shoes" by Newsong on the car radio with Michael Michael, and we were immediately enchanted by the combination of melodramatic lyrics and harmonies of children voices. It inspired me to research the song. And what to my wandering eye should appear? But an explanation that "Christmas Shoes" was written by the band after they read an email forward featuring a similar story back in 1996. Also, it was a number one country and adult contemporary song when it was first released to radio in 2000, and remains one of the top ten most played Christmas songs today. How I've managed to miss this abominable phenomenon until now is a bit of a mystery to me, but better late than never.

The lyrics are pure poetry:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out 
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

It might be a tearjerker if it weren't trying so hard to be a tearjerker. On YouTube, Michael found a comedy routine by Patton Oswalt in which he points out what a heartless asshole the cashier must be for listening to the boy's sob story and still not selling the shoes. The narrator is also entirely self-absorbed if ey thinks that God decided to kill a boy's mother on Christmas Eve to show em "what Christmas is all about."

In 2002, they took the song and turned it into a TV movie, thus completing the tri-fecta of awesomeness: email forward, country song, holiday special. Though I haven't seen the movie, you can get the gist by watching this YouTube music video that not only has the song, but clips from the film, starring a presumably ashamed Rob Lowe:

First of all, the shoes from the movie are disgustingly ugly. I have no sense of style, and I still know those red shoes are pure shit. The only thing sadder than the kid's mom dying is that he seems to think the shoes will make his mom look beautiful. Second of all, who wears shoes to bed? If she's dying, let her go comfortably, not wearing heels under the covers. Third of all, aren't we to believe that Jesus is not so superficial as to accept a soul based upon her outfit? Besides, it's the eve of his birthday: Jesus is probably too busy turning water into wine and getting jiggy with the disciples to patrol the gates of Heaven and enforce some sort of dress code.

In truth, it's a touching song -- one that touches my funny bone. Your holiday won't be complete without it.